


White Nights

by TheEigthPillarGeneral



Series: Semper Fi [3]
Category: Alien Series, Aliens (1986), Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Androids, Colonial Marines - Freeform, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Space Marines, Survivor Guilt, Weyland-Yutani
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-06 01:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17929946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEigthPillarGeneral/pseuds/TheEigthPillarGeneral
Summary: Renji and his unit make it back to Earth, alive and well after surviving the aliens. For his bravery and leadership skills, Lieutenant Sasakibe and Sergeant Zaraki recommend Renji for the Order of the Noble Sakura, the most prestigious medal in the Gotei Colonial Marine Corps, and the entire unit is invited to a Gotei banquet in Tokyo in the middle of August for their collective valour.It should be good news, but when old nightmares and new doubts start to haunt him in the aftermath, Renji wonders if he's truly worthy of such an award. And with an unplanned visit to base from General Kuchiki Byakuya, guilt and fear of failure continue to rear their ugly head as Renji struggles to prove his worth as a Marine.





	1. Homeward Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji returns to base, hoping that things will go back to normal. Unfortunately for him, the aftermath isn't something he can really recover from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the first chapter of "White Nights". There won't be much aliens in this story, they'll only be in nightmares and flashbacks, as this story is going to be focused on character, recovery, and inner conflicts. It'll be challenging, but I look forward to writing it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Renji wakes up from cryosleep feeling surprisingly good. He’s had no nightmares for once, and he feels unusually refreshed. Then again, perhaps it’s because they’re almost home, but it’s definitely not a bad thing, especially when he sees Zaraki being jovial as always and Bazz-B snarking with everyone else.

The three-week trip has passed without incident, and they’re set to dock at Gateway Station in a couple of hours. After a warm shower, Renji takes care of his toiletries and changes into his utility uniform: cargo pants, boots, and black tank top, and then ties his hair in a low side ponytail. Then, he heads down to the mess hall for breakfast, and he can’t help but smile as he hears the jokes and conversations emanating from the place.

As Renji is drinking his orange juice, Sasakibe makes an announcement.

“We’ll be docking in about an hour and a half,” Sasakibe says. “I’m sure you Marines know about the standard procedures of docking, so I don’t need to repeat myself. However, I will let you know that there are a few men from the brass waiting, as I had sent word about our mission before we left LV-352. Major Tousen and Colonels Ukitake and Kyoraku are waiting at Gateway, so be respectful.”

“Are there Company representatives too?” Mila Rose asks.

“Of course there will be,” Zaraki says. “We’re still shipping out for them, even if the operation was under military jurisdiction.”

Renji groans. “Great. Now we gotta deal with those assholes,” he mutters, tensing up. “Bad enough I had to deal with them four years ago, who knows how they’re gonna try and manipulate me this time…”

Hisagi looks at him curiously. “What happened last time?” he asks.

“Those bastards tried to pick holes in my story, gaslight me, convince me that I was hallucinating. They just treated me like some dumb grunt. And when I refused to go along with them, they tried to persuade the Gotei to discharge me,” Renji says, his fists clenching. “And you wonder why I fucking hate Weyland-Yutani.”

“Don’t worry,” Ise reassures him. “You do know that Colonel Kyoraku is my uncle, right?”

“Whoa, seriously?” Renji looks at her in surprise.

Everyone else is also just as surprised, and Ise just smiles slightly. “Yes, Colonel Kyoraku is my uncle, and he’s very protective of me,” she says. “If anything, he’s not going to let Weyland-Yutani try and brush you guys off. He stood up for you in the past, Corporal. So he won’t hesitate to do it again.”

“I guess you’re right,” Renji says with a shrug.

Ise smirks slightly. “And trust me, my uncle does not take kindly to Company men trying to harass or threaten Marines,” she reassures.

Renji should be feeling better about that. But for some reason, he doesn’t.

His thoughts are interrupted when Orihime speaks to him. “Abarai-kun?” she asks, making Renji turn his head to her.

“Yeah?”

“I just remembered that I still have this.” Orihime hands the combat knife back to him. “Here you go.”

Renji just smiles at her. “Keep it,” he encourages her.

Orihime stares at him in surprise. “But, it’s your knife! You should take it back!”

“I gave it to protect you,” Renji says. “Consider it a gift from me.”

“Oh…” Orihime looks away shyly. “Thank you, Abarai-kun.”

With a smile, Renji ruffles her hair. “No worries,” he says.

Having finished his breakfast, Renji gets up from the table and sets his tray near the dispenser before heading to the locker room, sitting down in front of his locker.

His mind wanders back to what Lieutenant Sasakibe had told him before they’d gone into cryosleep three weeks ago. He’s going to recommend Renji for a medal, but not just any medal. It’s the most prestigious medal of the Gotei Colonial Marine Corps: the Order of the Noble Sakura.

This isn’t the first medal he’d be getting; Renji has already received two medals and a few ribbons before this operation. One is an Allegiance Medal, which he received after three years of service when he was twenty-one years old. The second is a Golden Iris he’d received after being injured against insurgents in Latvia. As for ribbons, Renji has already received an Operations Ribbon, an Off-Planet Service Ribbon, a Deep Space Service Ribbon, and an Expert Rifleman Ribbon.

To receive an Order of the Noble Sakura would be the greatest of honours. But Renji doesn’t know if he truly deserves such a distinguished award. Yes, he’s managed to escape those aliens without losing anyone this time. But does he truly deserve it after what happened four years ago? When he lost his entire unit?

Speaking of that, there’s also the fact that his previous unit had been sent out on a mission they shouldn’t have been on. Renji has never given it that much thought, but after what Ise had told him, Renji can’t get it out of his mind.

Why did his previous unit even get sent out on that mission? Everyone in the brass had known that the unit was supposed to be disbanded, so what the hell happened?

“What’re you doing here, Abarai?” Kira enters the locker room and approaches Renji.

Renji shrugs. “Just needed some time to think,” he says.

“‘Bout what?”

“A lot of things.” Renji sighs and turns to look at Kira. “Kira, answer me honestly. Do you really think I deserve a medal like the Order of the Noble Sakura?”

Kira looks at him curiously. “You don’t want it?”

“I don’t know if I really deserve it,” Renji admits. “Yeah, no one died this time. But what about four years ago, when literally everyone but me was killed?”

“That was four years ago,” Kira tells him. “You were what, twenty-three? That time was different ‘cause you were younger.”

“And I’d never done a deep-space mission until then,” Renji adds. “But… I dunno. I know everyone survived this time, and I couldn’t be happier for sure. I just don’t know why I’m feeling like this.”

Kira shrugs. “I wasn’t there for much of it, but if you want my honest opinion, you do deserve recognition,” he tells him sincerely. “Lieutenant Sasakibe’s right. I don’t think anyone else has the balls to face their worst nightmares head-on. Thanks to you, we’re all alive. You should be proud of that.”

“Then why can’t I fucking feel it?” Renji asks, frustrated. “All I feel is confused, sad, and just… I don’t feel like I’ve redeemed myself.”

“What was it like?” Kira asks.

“What was what like?”

“Your first encounter with those aliens. I’m not asking to be mean, I’m just… curious. Because I’ve never seen anything like those things before. You… You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, though.”

Renji looks down. “It was fucking scary,” he says. “Those things… they’re like the physical form of every single nightmare from my childhood. They’re terrifying, but at the same time, there’s something… beautiful about them. But trust me, after seeing them up front, I’ve never been the same way again.”

He swallows slightly before continuing. “They’re aggressive, but very intelligent as well,” he says. “And they’re sadistic too. I… I can still hear Kotetsu Kiyone’s screams, sometimes I even see her corpse in my sleep… it’s obvious what the alien did to her. But also… we were no match for them. We Marines are lethal, but only through extensive training. Those aliens? They’re lethal by their very nature. And knowing that even an entire unit of Marines is no match for them… it’s terrifying.”

Kira nods slowly. “I can imagine,” he says. “Where do you think they came from?”

“I dunno,” Renji admits. “Wherever it was, it’s obvious they’re not native to LV-352.”

“And Weyland-Yutani wants to harness them as a bioweapon? Well, they’re outta their minds,” Kira says.

“Amen to that. You see why I hate the Company now?”

“Pretty much.”

They’re silent for a moment before Kira speaks again. “What will you do once we get back to base?” he asks.

Renji thinks for a moment. “Maybe get myself a nice stiff drink,” he says. “Not enough to get wasted, but enough to just relax for a couple of hours or so. That and a talk with either Rukia or Dr. Unohana.”

Kira nods. “I can’t believe you gave that civilian woman, Inoue-san, your combat knife,” he says. “I thought that’s something you’d never let go of.”

“Well, I can always get another one,” Renji tells him. “Besides, I thought she’d appreciate it.”

“You got close to her, didn’t you?” Kira smirks slightly.

“Seriously, dude?” Renji looks at him incredulously. “We’re not like that. She’s seven years younger, like a little sister to me. And besides, our lives were on the line back there! I didn’t have time to screw around!”

“But what about with Ise-san? You two did look like you got a little closer,” Kira says teasingly.

Renji rolls his eyes. “I taught her how to use a pulse rifle, that’s all,” he says. “Okay, I don’t know how I got the nickname of ‘walking sex organ’, but seriously, something like sex was the last thing on my mind back there.”

Kira’s about to speak when Hisagi enters the locker room.

“We’re docking in half an hour,” Hisagi tells them. “It’s time to get ready.”

“Alright. Looks like we’re up,” Renji says, getting up.

* * *

Upon arrival at Gateway Station, they go through quarantine and describe the events of LV-352 to both Company representatives and to Major Tousen and Colonels Ukitake and Kyoraku.

Sasakibe also avails himself during the inquest, which absolves everyone of any wrongdoing perceived by Weyland-Yutani. And plus, Akon’s data banks help corroborate their stories. In the end, the Company representatives can’t even accuse the Marines of lying because after hearing his niece’s account, Colonel Kyoraku refuses to let them.

In addition, Sasakibe recommends Renji for an Order of the Noble Sakura after personally commending Renji for his bravery and leadership skills on LV-352. Plus, he also recommends a Divine Chrysanthemum for the whole unit’s bravery.

In the end, Weyland-Yutani can’t make them take responsibility for Kurotsuchi’s death, not after Major Tousen’s declaration that anyone who endangers the lives of Marines should be held accountable.

Ise also turns in her resignation right then and there, much to the representatives’ surprise. And also waiting there is a Professor Ochi from Kasumigaura Nursing School, which is where Orihime is studying. Upon seeing Orihime, Professor Ochi had looked so relieved to see her, and had thanked the Marines profusely for saving her.

Now that the inquest is over, Renji and the Marines will be leaving for Earth in a few hours. They’ll take a transport ship back to Tokyo, and from there, they’ll take a bus back to their base in the city of Kamakura in Kanagawa Prefecture. So as they wait for their flight, the Marines just hang around the station and check out the different facilities.

Renji heads to a private VidiCom terminal located near one of the dining facilities. First, he makes a call to Dr. Unohana and requests for an appointment when he gets back. Then he dials Rukia, who answers after a few seconds.

When her face comes on the monitor, Renji notices that she’s in her office. He gives her a smile. “Hey, Rukia,” he greets her.

“Renji!” Rukia looks delighted to see him. “You’re back already? How’d the mission go?”

“Everyone’s alive,” he says. “Well, except for one person, but he put us all in danger, so…”

Rukia raises an eyebrow. “Okay, what happened?” she asks.

“It’s a long story. I will say this though: my shotgun’s destroyed and I’ll never be able to use it again,” Renji tells her. “So, what have you been doing while I was gone?”

“Well, I’ve just started doing research on these beautiful polar flowers that were found on LV-883, and I already have a few specimens. I need to show you how they look, they’re so gorgeous!” Rukia is practically gushing now.

Renji chuckles. Rukia has a real soft spot for cute and pretty things, so it doesn’t really surprise him that she’s doing research on something pretty.

Like Ise, Rukia is a scientist for Weyland-Yutani, and she currently works at the Company’s labs in Sapporo. She studies extraterrestrial flora to see how they can be put to use on Earth, and has even won a prize for her research on blood lilies from a tropical planet last year.

“Are the specimens there with you?” Renji asks.

“No, not now,” Rukia tells him. “But first chance I get, I’ll send a photo of them or something like that.”

“You do that,” Renji says with a smile.

They talk for a little bit longer about mundane stuff before Hisagi comes over to get Renji, telling him that it’s time to head to the gate.

“Our ship’s here, so I gotta get going,” Renji tells her. “Talk to you later, Rukia.”

“See you soon!” Rukia says, waving at the screen.

Renji disconnects the VidiCom and follows Hisagi to their gate, his duffel bag in hand. He can’t wait to get back to Earth and back to not just the regular routine of daily training, but also of having his own private quarters again.

* * *

The trip back to Earth feels like a blur and before Renji realizes, they’ve landed at the Tokyo Earth Terminal. It’s late afternoon, and by the time they get to Kamakura, it’ll be evening. Once they grab their bags and disembark from the spacecraft, they enter the terminal building to wait for their bus to Kamakura. Sasakibe has already departed back to the Gotei headquarters.

As they wait, Renji glances at Ise, Orihime, and Professor Ochi. Orihime makes eye contact with him and smiles.

“So, what’s your plan now?” Renji asks her, returning the smile.

“Well, apparently, I may not have to redo my internship,” Orihime says, sounding relieved. “Professor Ochi is very understanding, so she’ll let me finish the rest of my internship on Earth.”

Renji smiles at her. “That’s good, isn’t it? And you, Ise?”

Ise smiles. “Yeah, I’ll be living with a friend of mine while I look for a new job,” she says. “Rangiku’s more than happy to take me in for now.”

“I also have a friend I’ll be staying with.” Orihime tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “What will you be doing now, Abarai-kun?”

“I’m headin’ back to base in Kamakura,” Renji tells her. “It’s just a little over half an hour by bus, so it’s not too bad. Soon, it’ll be back to training, drills, the usual. Oh, before I go, here.” He quickly writes down his base address on a slip of paper. “In case you wanna write to me.”

Orihime smiles as she accepts the piece of paper. “Thank you, Abarai-kun!” she says. “I’ll try and keep in touch with you!”

After he, Ise, and Orihime exchange addresses, Renji notices the bus pulling up to the terminal and he gets up. “Looks like my ride’s here,” he says.

After giving Orihime a hug, which she happily returns, Renji meets up with his unit to head to Kamakura.

The bus ride goes quicker than Renji expects, and it’s evening by the time they get to Kamakura. The sun is still setting, since it’s the beginning of August, and the weather’s still really nice outside.

“Finally! We’re home!” Bazz-B cheers.

As Renji and Zaraki get off the bus, Renji starts speaking.

“Alright, now that we’re home, go unpack your stuff and rerack your weapons,” Renji orders. “Dinner’s in about an hour, so don’t take too long, okay?”

With that, they all head inside the building. After reracking his pulse rifle in the arsenal, Renji heads to his personal quarters and unloads his duffel bag before he heads to the adjoining bathroom for a quick shower.

But as he stands under the spray of hot water, Renji can’t help but start thinking. So much has happened in such a short time, but the memories are still fresh. He can’t help but realize just how vulnerable he is in his quarters, especially with the ceiling vents above his bed…

No, he can’t think like that. Renji knows that those aliens aren’t on Earth, but still, just thinking about it terrifies him. If one of those things ever comes to Earth, it would be a disaster.

God, he’s barely been on base for an hour but he can’t stop thinking about LV-352 and how their lives had nearly been screwed over thanks to one of Weyland-Yutani’s scientists. And the thoughts won’t stop even after he gets out of the shower.

They continue during dinner, and even as he’s getting ready for bed.

Renji sighs to himself. He’s not going to be able to sleep tonight. He just knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kamakura is a city in Kanagawa Prefecture, and it's quite beautiful as well. I'll admit, I was a bit conflicted as to whether I should have the Marines stationed in Japan or in a different country, but I decided to stick with Japan for this story.
> 
> Let me know how I did :) Have a good one!


	2. Unworthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amidst nightmares of aliens, Renji resumes therapy with Dr. Unohana and then receives a surprise in the form of General Kuchiki Byakuya coming to base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a few changes to this story. First, I changed the base from being in Ayase to Kamakura now. Also, the banquet will be happening in the middle of August, rather than towards the end.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

In the end, Renji is right. He hardly sleeps at all and at around three o’clock in the morning, he wakes up in a cold sweat from a night of bad dreams. For a moment, he’s confused, and he half-expects to be at his apartment, in a cryosleep pod, or even worse, cocooned into a wall with an egg unfurling in front of him.

Then he looks around and realizes that he’s in his quarters. Renji’s heart is still pounding and he gingerly places his hand over his chest, which is damp with sweat. Good. There’s nothing inside of him.

Sighing shakily, Renji sits up in bed and a soft sob spills from his lips. Why? Why is he still feeling like this? No one died this time, and everyone’s still alive. But why is he still having nightmares? He doesn’t even know how to describe this awful feeling. Guilt? Fear? Or is it a mix of both?

He didn’t just dream of the aliens this time. He has also dreamed of Kurotsuchi’s leering face, his final words still echoing in his ears, and then there are dreams of Iwashiro and his childhood mixed in, especially as he ponders over Ise’s words. Why? Why the hell was his old unit sent out on that fateful mission? And why the hell hasn’t he questioned this in four years?

A shiver runs through his spine and Renji quickly reaches to turn on his bedside light. Moments like these, Renji can almost hear the faint scratching of creatures moving in the darkness.

“God…” Renji whispers to himself. _Just what was Sasakibe thinking? How can he think that I deserve an Order of the Noble Sakura when I’m like this? Surely he’d think twice if he saw me like this!_

Renji needs to talk to someone, but everyone else is probably sleeping. Calling Rukia is out of the question too. He’s going to be seeing Dr. Unohana today, but that’s not until a few hours later. And there’s no point in going to sleep now. He’s too awake to even try.

Rubbing his eyes, Renji clambers out of bed and goes to the bathroom. Once he’s finished, he puts on his PT uniform, only the shorts and the olive-green tank top, then puts his shoes on before tying his hair up in a ponytail. He then makes his bed, making sure that it’s as tidy and neat as it had been back in boot camp.

That’s when he notices his sketchbook sitting on his bedside table. Renji remembers buying it back when they’d been stationed in Sri Lanka, since he’d been trying out art therapy to try and cope with his PTSD. Though if one looks in his sketchbook, they would find, amidst drawings of wolves and tattoo patterns, several drawings of the same biomechanical creatures with elongated heads, each drawing more polished than the last.

He decides to just sit in the lounge for a little bit, but when Renji gets there, he’s surprised to see Bazz-B and Mila Rose sitting on the couches. Like him, they’re dressed in their PT uniforms, and have dark circles under their eyes. In Mila Rose’s hands is a cup of coffee, and they both look like they haven’t slept much the previous night either.

Mila Rose glances up and notices Renji entering. “Oh, hey,” she greets, her voice tired.

Renji gives them both a nod of acknowledgement. “What’re you guys doing up so early?” he asks.

“Nightmares,” Bazz-B mutters. “Can’t fucking sleep anymore, so I got dressed and came here.”

“Same,” Mila Rose adds. “What are you doin’ here, Abarai?”

Renji shrugs. “Same as you,” he says. “Lemme guess: nightmares about aliens?”

“Pretty much,” Mila Rose sighs. “It’s funny how even the smallest of noises in my room sends me back to that facility on LV-352.” She shakes her head before taking a sip of coffee. “And I thought my nightmares about prison were bad.”

Mila Rose and Muguruma had both enlisted in the Gotei from prison in order to avoid further detention. Renji doesn’t know what exactly they’d been in prison for, but he knows better than to ask. Some things are just too personal to talk about, and he knows that. When they’re comfortable enough to share, they’ll share their story.

“Yeah,” Renji simply says. “I know how you feel.”

Bazz-B shakes his head. “Did you dream about aliens too?” he asks.

Renji nods as he sits down. “Yep,” he says. “But I also dreamed of other things too, mainly Iwashiro.”

He’s silent for a moment before he continues. “Ever since we got back from LV-352, I’ve been… having a lot of questions about Iwashiro,” he says. “See, my unit was not supposed to go on that mission. Hell, we weren’t supposed to go on any missions.”

“Why not?” Mila Rose asks.

“My previous unit was so dysfunctional,” Renji tells her. “No one got along with each other, Sergeant Amagai was not a good leader, I was having threats made against me on a daily basis, and we hadn’t even done a deep-space mission before. That unit was supposed to be disbanded, but then for some reason, we got sent to Iwashiro, and I don’t know why. Amagai had said that it was supposed to be a simple investigation just to see how we work together. He didn’t even bother questioning it.”

He laughs bitterly. “And look at how well that turned out. Everyone got killed and I’m the only one left. And I haven’t even thought about that until now,” he says.

Bazz-B frowns. “That’s… That’s not right,” he says. “Why did you get sent out on that mission if your unit was so dysfunctional?”

“I don’t know, and it bothers me,” Renji admits. “Also, there’s something else that’s been bothering me. I want you guys to be honest when you answer me, okay?”

“Shoot,” Mila Rose says.

“Do you guys think I deserve an Order of the Noble Sakura?” Renji asks them.

They’re both surprised at his question.

“Um, why wouldn’t you want one?” Bazz-B asks, sounding a little confused. “That’s the biggest honour in the Corps. And besides, you saved our asses back there, man! I think you definitely deserve one!”

Mila Rose nods. “Why are you questioning it?” she asks.

“I don’t feel worthy of it,” Renji admits.

“Well, I think that’s up to General Kuchiki himself to decide,” Bazz-B tells him. “Come on, accept the medal, will ya? At least for us?”

Renji sighs. “I don’t know,” he says. “We’ll see if he actually thinks I deserve the medal.”

The first time Renji had met Kuchiki Byakuya was back when he was still a Major, and he had adopted Rukia. Renji remembers letting her go in the hopes that she would have a better life, and he’s regretted that decision quite a bit. He hadn’t spoken to Rukia in years until Iwashiro, when she’d tentatively reached out after hearing about the disaster, and he’d accepted her offer of staying over at his place while he was on leave.

And that had led to the second time when Renji had met General Kuchiki, when Rukia had apparently felt so helpless seeing Renji weeping and suffering from guilt and trauma that she’d called him and told him about it. Renji feels a little bit embarrassed as he thinks about how haggard he’d appeared before the General. But it’s thanks to him that Renji had met Dr. Unohana, which helped him start to recover in time for his transfer. For that, he’s grateful.

Yet Renji doesn’t know what General Kuchiki thinks of him right now. Would he think that Renji is shameful for acting this way? He doesn’t know.

There’s a moment of silence before they change the subject.

“How did you deal with the aftermath the first time?” Mila Rose asks.

Renji glances at her. “Horribly,” he says. “I’m still dealing with the aftermath, actually. And it doesn’t help that I have a lot of regrets and painful memories in my past that I don’t know how to move forward from.”

“From Iwashiro or your past in general?” Bazz-B asks.

Again, Renji pauses. “Both,” he admits. “You know I grew up in a shithole, right? Life wasn’t exactly the greatest in that place. Bootcamp was okay for me, and so was my time as a Private and Private First Class. Then I got put into a dysfunctional unit right after I became a Corporal. Well, it seemed fine at first, and then it quickly became broken after we got more Marines with major issues. And then Iwashiro happened.”

Renji smiles bitterly. “So… yeah. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of all that shit,” he says.

“Don’t you ever get tired of it?” Mila Rose asks, genuinely curious.

“Sometimes,” Renji says honestly. “It can get pretty exhausting, not gonna lie. But I refuse to give up, or else my demons will win.”

Silence hangs in the air after that statement. They sit in the lounge a little while longer before Mila Rose gets up from her chair.

“Well, I guess we should get back to our quarters,” Mila Rose says. “Wake-up call is in an hour.”

“Yeah,” Bazz-B says.

As the three of them get up, Renji continues. “If you need to talk to someone, then you can talk to either me or you can see Dr. Unohana,” he tells them. “Seriously, don’t let it fester inside. I’m speaking from personal experience when I say it’ll only get worse.”

“Noted,” Mila Rose says.

* * *

Renji doesn’t bother going back to sleep once he reaches his quarters. Instead, he just sits up and attempts to do some carving with the blade of a pencil sharpener before he makes a mental note to go out and get a new combat knife at some point, and then does some drawing in his sketchbook. Eventually, it’s wake-up call, and Renji heads down to the mess hall for breakfast.

To his surprise, breakfast was actually pretty good. But even then, Renji can’t eat too much, and when Akon offers second helpings, Renji turns it down. He’s not feeling too hungry today.

That’s when Zaraki surprises them with an announcement. “Listen up, Marines!” he calls, getting their attention.

“We’ve been invited to a Gotei banquet in Tokyo that’s happening right in the middle of August,” he tells them. “And it’s a black tie dress code, so that means full dress uniform, people! No excuses! We want to look good, and look like we care about not just the Marines as a whole, but about ourselves and how we present ourselves to others.”

“Can I wear a pink bowtie, Sarge?” Bazz-B asks.

“No, you may not! Sit your ass back down, Black!”

“Who all’s gonna show up, Sarge?” Muguruma asks.

“All the important people,” Zaraki says. “That means the Brass, VIP guests, all those people will be there.”

That means Rukia might come too, since she is General Kuchiki’s younger sister. Briefly, Renji entertains the idea of somehow getting Ise and Orihime to come to the banquet as well. In fact, it sounds like a good way of meeting up again. Maybe he should ask them and see if he can get them to come to Tokyo.

Shortly after finishing his breakfast, Renji sets his tray at the counter and heads down to the sick bay to Dr. Unohana’s office, which looks more like someone’s living room than a hospital. A wide, panoramic window shows a lovely view of the coast of Kamakura, and it lightens Renji’s spirits a little bit.

There’s a desk in the corner, and on the desk is a clipboard and papers with Renji’s name and rank stamped on top of them. Below that, the box next to ‘Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder’ is marked with a blue ‘X’.

As Renji takes his seat, the door opens, and in walks Unohana Retsu: an elegant woman with long black hair in a braid and a black blazer over a white blouse and black pants. While she’s not a Marine herself, she had been contracted by the Gotei ten years ago to work with Marines suffering from PTSD.

Upon seeing Renji, she smiles beatifically.

“Ah, good morning! It’s good to see you again, Abarai-kun,” she greets.

“Good morning,” Renji says, watching as she sits down.

“So, how’s your morning been so far?” Dr. Unohana asks as she starts up a kettle of water. “Would you like some tea to drink?”

Renji shrugs. “I’ve had better mornings,” he says. “Tea would be nice, please.”

“Of course.” Dr. Unohana pours the tea into two mugs and hands one of them to Renji.

“Right, let’s get started, shall we?” She takes a sip of tea before continuing. “So, I heard you had quite the mission recently. You… encountered the same creatures from four years ago, correct?”

“Yeah, I did.” Renji looks down. “And this time, everyone survived.”

Dr. Unohana smiles. “Well, that’s wonderful!” she praises. “But why do you look upset?”

Renji feels those knots of frustration within him again. Tears fill his eyes, and Dr. Unohana hands him a tissue box.

“It’s just…” Renji takes a deep breath. “Zaraki and Lieutenant Sasakibe have recommended me for a medal, but not just any medal. It’s the Order of the Noble Sakura.”

“The most prestigious medal in the Gotei,” Dr. Unohana recalls.

“Yeah. But I don’t feel like I’m worthy of it,” Renji confesses. “I don’t… feel like I’ve redeemed myself at all. I know it’s been four years, but…  Iwashiro is still fresh in my head. I don’t… don’t think I can ever move forward from it.”

Dr. Unohana nods. “It isn’t easy moving forward from something as horrifying as that,” she agrees.

“But it doesn’t make sense. I won against those aliens. Everyone survived this time. I even made friends with a survivor at that facility, and the civilian scientist who accompanied us. So why can’t I feel proud of it?” Renji asks, his voice almost helpless. “I just feel more depressed and I don’t know why.”

“There are a lot of factors that play into something like this,” Dr. Unohana tells him. “Guilt, remorse, these are all contributing emotions to your current state of mind. You still haven’t really come to terms with Iwashiro, and this mission to LV-352 seems to have unearthed some repressed memories, am I correct?”

Renji nods, taking a sip of his tea.

“I thought so. The weight of your experiences is too much to bear, even to temporarily put away. And being unable to be happy when everyone else is just makes your sadness worse.”

“I also have a lot of regrets and pain in my past, from before I enlisted,” Renji adds.

“Mm. Yes, I can’t imagine someone with your background becomes very cheerful just like that. Would you say that your memories of Iwashiro are mixing in with your memories of the past?” Dr. Unohana asks.

Renji thinks for a moment. “Yeah… I guess…” he mumbles.

Dr. Unohana nods thoughtfully. “I’ve also noticed that these aliens seem to be a dominating factor in your trauma. Truthfully, I’ve never heard of any creature like them before.”

“Don’t I know it,” Renji sighs.

“You seem to be very reluctant in sharing the full story about your first encounter with them as well, both today and four years ago,” she observes. “You only told me about your entire unit being killed. But how do you feel about talking about your full experience?”

Renji pauses. “I’m… not ready today. Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow,” he decides. “I’ll bring in my drawings and share the story.”

“Are you absolutely sure? I won’t be upset if you end up changing your mind at the last minute,” Dr. Unohana reassures.

“I’m sure. I want to get somewhere with this, and sitting on it isn’t helping at all.”

* * *

Training goes by in a blur and before Renji realizes, it’s already dinner time.

He’s sitting in the mess hall, hearing everyone talk and crack jokes all around him like it’s nothing. Today’s training had consisted of target practice and water basketball in the swimming pool.

As always, water basketball had been pretty violent, especially with Bazz-B in the pool as well. Then again, he tends to make even the most boring of things a whole lot more exciting.

They’re just finishing up with dinner when Akon enters the room. “Sergeant? There’s a General Kuchiki here to see you and the unit.”

He’s barely finished with his sentence when an elegant, lithe man with an impassive expression on his face walks into the mess hall. The man has long black hair tied in a low ponytail, and steel-gray eyes that seem to pierce every soul in the room. His facial features are delicate, beautiful, and almost youthful, actually, but they are hardened at the same time. His uniform suggests that he’s seen a lot; he has medals and ribbons of varying degrees all over the left side of his chest, and something about his demeanour suggests that he has earned all of them legitimately.

Graceful yet fierce, beautiful yet dangerous, this is General Kuchiki Byakuya, the youngest general in the Gotei Colonial Marine Corps.

 _“Attention!”_ he orders, his deep voice strict.

Everyone stands up immediately.

General Kuchiki looks at Zaraki first. “Are you the man requesting an Order of the Noble Sakura for one of your Marines?” he asks.

“Sir, yes, sir!” Zaraki yells.

“Very well. Which one of these grunts is so deserving of one?”

“Sir, Corporal Abarai, sir!”

Right then, General Kuchiki calmly walks over to Renji with his arms behind his back. “Corporal Abarai?” he says impassively.

Renji swallows past a lump in his throat. “Yes, sir,” he speaks clearly.

“Why does Sergeant Zaraki want you to have an Order of the Noble Sakura?”

“I displayed strong leadership skills when I, Black, Mila Rose, Lieutenant Sasakibe, and two civilians were separated from the rest of the unit on LV-352, sir.” Renji tries to control his breathing.

General Kuchiki nods slowly. “Do you have people who can confirm that for you?” he asks.

“Yes, sir.”

“Can Black and Mila Rose themselves confirm that?” He turns to Bazz-B and Mila Rose as he asks that.

“Sir, yes, sir!” Bazz-B and Mila Rose yell at the same time.

General Kuchiki nods, seemingly satisfied. “Very well.” He steps away from Renji. “I will be staying here for five days,” he announces. “If Abarai can prove himself worthy, then I will decorate him myself. If not, try again.”

In that moment, Renji feels like someone has punched him in the gut. And the feeling doesn’t go away even after General Kuchiki leaves the mess hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now Byakuya makes his appearance~
> 
> Writing this chapter was pretty tough, honestly. Then again, there isn't going to be a lot of action in this whole story, as it's very much focused on internal conflict and all that. So this story will be a bit of a challenge, but I look forward to doing it.
> 
> Let me know how I did :) Have a good one!


	3. The Sublime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Kuchiki starts testing Renji to see if he's worthy of the Order of the Noble Sakura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter was a bit boring, but I hope I did alright. There's internal conflict and discussions of PTSD and depression in this chapter, and some hard training, of course. I hope you enjoy!

Renji almost has a heart attack when he wakes up to hear General Kuchiki banging on his door at five-thirty in the morning.

“Everybody up! No more sleeping in, Marines! Rise and shine! I want everyone outside and by your doors now!” he announces, his voice sharp.

Groaning slightly, Renji stumbles out of bed and hastily puts on his PT uniform and shoes, quickly tying his hair into a ponytail before stepping outside and closing the door behind him. Likewise, everyone else is quick to get outside their quarters and stand by their doors.

General Kuchiki walks down the hall, giving nods of approval to everyone. As always, he is immaculately dressed in his decorated uniform.

“Good. Seems like everyone here knows how to present themselves on the spur of the moment,” he says.

Renji’s heart is still steadying itself as he heads to breakfast after the sudden wake-up call. He hopes he doesn’t have to deal with General Kuchiki all day, but it seems like the General has made a point of monitoring Renji whenever he can.

At breakfast, he asks Renji about proper table manners, which Renji understands. But then he decides to ask a little bit about the mission to LV-352; in particular, the only casualty of that mission.

“According to the report, there was only one person who was killed, and that was Dr. Kurotsuchi Mayuri, a scientist for Weyland-Yutani,” General Kuchiki recalls. “What happened to him?”

Renji tenses up slightly. “He was killed by the lifeform that had overrun the facility,” he says.

“Is that so? I also heard that he had apparently endangered you Marines, his colleague, and the survivor you found,” General Kuchiki continues. “Care to tell me the full story, Corporal?”

“Kurotsuchi Mayuri had activated a lockdown on the facility, which trapped us and separated us from the rest of the unit,” Renji tells him. “He also locked Ise Nanao and Inoue Orihime in the medlab with two dangerous parasites.”

General Kuchiki nods, seemingly satisfied.

And that’s not the only thing that General Kuchiki does. He seeks opportunities to see how Renji’s physical training is, and whether he easily cracks under pressure, both physically and mentally.

He first takes Renji to the weight room, and has him get a barbell.

“Get into position, Corporal,” General Kuchiki orders.

Renji holds the bar on his front shoulders.

“Let’s see how strong you are. Now start lifting!”

Carefully, Renji starts pressing the bar over his head until it’s balanced over his shoulders. He then locks his elbows at the top, keeping his shoulders towards the ceiling. After a few seconds, he lowers the barbell back down to his front shoulders and repeats.

This exercise isn’t too difficult for Renji; then again, weightlifting is one of his specialties during their daily training. But General Kuchiki has him add more weight onto the ends after each set he does, until the barbell is eventually too heavy to lift without difficulty.

Seemingly satisfied, General Kuchiki has Renji move onto the next set of weight exercises. He has Renji do weightlifting for about an hour before he decides that it’s time to move on.

Next, General Kuchiki takes Renji to the armory and hands him a blindfold and a pulse rifle. “Put the blindfold on, Corporal,” he orders. “Unlock and unload, then lock and load. And move quickly.”

Renji ties the blindfold over his eyes and picks up the pulse rifle. He then upends the rifle and quickly snaps open the bolt, drops out the magazine, then slaps it in until he hears a click.

“Go faster now.”

For the next half an hour or so, Renji continues to unlock and unload the pulse rifle over and over again while blindfolded, and he has to do it faster each time. Every time General Kuchiki announces the time, Renji feels his heartbeat increasing and his fingers start to fumble more than the last time.

The darkness is so similar to when he was on Iwashiro. His heart is pounding against his chest, which starts to feel tight. Renji’s fingers fumble, and he remembers his shoulder lamp batteries failing and then being trapped in the dark hallway, struggling to unload and reload his pulse rifle as he hears the creature’s footsteps coming around the corner…

 _I’m not there. I’m not there. Goddammit, I’m not there anymore!_ He thinks to himself, finally managing to quickly reload the rifle.

“Not bad. You can remove the blindfold now,” General Kuchiki tells him.

A wave of relief washes over Renji as he hastily yanks off the blindfold. He hands the pulse rifle back to General Kuchiki, who takes it while looking somewhat curiously at Renji.

And then, during the daily exercises in the swimming pool, General Kuchiki calls Renji’s name, getting his attention. He notices that the General has removed his uniform blazer, and his dress shirt sleeves are rolled up to his elbows.

“Swim to the deep end, Corporal,” he orders.

Renji obliges and swims all the way to the deep end of the pool until he’s at the ledge. General Kuchiki comes up to the ledge until he’s standing right before Renji.

“Hold your breath,” General Kuchiki tells him.

Quickly taking a deep breath, Renji does so just in time to feel General Kuchiki’s hand pushing his head underwater and holding him down.

Renji doesn’t know how long he’s held underwater for, but he’s fine for about twenty seconds. But after that, it gets much harder, and Renji doesn’t know how much longer he can hold his breath for. He hears muffled voices and then he can’t take it anymore. He needs air.

Bracing himself against the side of the pool, Renji shoves himself out from under General Kuchiki’s hand. A split-second later, he breaks the surface of the water and draws in a deep breath.

“Forty seconds, Abarai,” General Kuchiki tells him. “Not bad.”

And as Renji gets out of the pool, ignoring everyone’s stares, he can’t help but wonder:  _Is all this really worth it_ _?_

* * *

By the time he meets Dr. Unohana for his appointment after lunch, Renji is exhausted. His body is sore in every way imaginable, and he just wants to go to bed already.

Dr. Unohana smiles when she sees him. “Looks like you’ve had an eventful day,” she observes.

“Yeah…” Renji says, leaning back in the comfortable chair. “General Kuchiki’s come to base and he’s been up my ass the whole day to see if I’m worthy of that medal.”

“Ah,” Dr. Unohana says, her voice understanding. “Yes, the General is tough that way. But keep in mind, while he may be strict and harsh, deep down, he has good intentions. You’ve met him before, haven’t you?”

Renji nods. “I have,” he says. “But that was when I was a depressed wreck. God… he actually saw me in that state. I don’t know why he’s bothering, anyways. He must think I’m pathetic.”

Dr. Unohana shakes her head. “Well, you don’t know the General as much as you think, Abarai-kun,” she tells him. “Believe me when I say that General Kuchiki hasn’t always been so strict. But I think I’ll save that for another time.”

Renji does find it a little difficult to believe, but he just nods. “Okay then,” he says. “But I think I’m gonna go and talk to him about the medal and tell him I don’t want it.”

“You do that, then. Now, I believe you were going to try and share your story with me,” Dr. Unohana reminds him. “And you said you had some drawings, right? May I see them?”

“Right.” Renji picks up his sketchbook and opens it up to his most recent drawing of the alien. “Here’s what I’ve done recently.”

He hands the sketchbook to Dr. Unohana, who looks at the drawing. Her eyes widen slightly and she recoils a little bit. “My goodness,” she says softly, her voice hushed.

Renji smiles bitterly. “It’s terrifying, isn’t it?” he asks.

Dr. Unohana nods slowly. “Terrifying… but beautiful as well,” she says, handing the sketchbook back to Renji. “Where did it come from?”

“I don’t know,” Renji tells her. “But wherever it came from, it’s definitely not LV-352. It… It looks like it’s meant to blend in with certain kinds of environments.”

“I see.” Dr. Unohana takes a sip of tea, thinking about something for a moment before she speaks, setting down her mug. “You know, when I was in university, I’d taken a class on Gothic literature. In that class, we learned about this concept called ‘the sublime’. Have you heard of it?”

Renji shakes his head. “No.”

“Well, the sublime is used to convey a height of thoughts and emotions beyond ordinary experience. It’s completely different from appreciating natural beauty,” Dr. Unohana tells him. “What separates this is the disruption of harmony, and when the imagination experiences both thrill and fear through what is dark and uncertain. The sublime stems from powerful awe and terror that stresses one’s limits, thus overloading the person in both their fascination and revulsion.”

Renji nods slowly. _Just like what I felt when I saw that alien the first time,_ he realizes. “So… did I experience ‘the sublime’ when I saw that alien?” he asks.

“It sounds like you did,” Dr. Unohana says. “The sublime occurs when natural grandeur overwhelms someone to the point of causing terror or a feeling of helpless insignificance.”

Thinking about that for a moment, Renji then answers. “Well… now that I think about it, I did feel helpless when I saw the aliens for the first time,” he says. “I’ve… I’ve never seen anything like them before. And I think the rest of my previous unit felt the same way.”

He closes his eyes as he remembers Kotetsu’s death that day. That had been when Renji realized just how sadistic, how genuinely evil the aliens truly are.

“Would you like to try sharing your experience, Abarai-kun?” Dr. Unohana asks tentatively.

Renji nods. It’s either now or never. “Yeah.”

“Very well. Now, I want you to sit in whatever position is the most comfortable,” she instructs him. “I’ll give you some herbal tea as well.”

Renji does lie down on the couch, but he’s fine for the most part. Then Dr. Unohana turns on her little radio, which starts playing some calming music. Then she waits for Renji to be comfortable enough to start speaking.

There’s a good ten minutes of silence. Then, Renji takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes as he starts to recall the massacre of his previous unit as much as he can. He tells as much of the story as he can before it starts to become too much, right before he gets to the point where the number of survivors had started to dwindle down.

And then it becomes too overwhelming.

Renji shakes his head, feeling tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I… I can’t think about this anymore,” he tells Dr. Unohana as he covers his face, feeling unusually drained of energy.

“And that’s perfectly alright,” Dr. Unohana reassures him. “You did good, Abarai-kun. How does it feel, sharing some of your story to me?”

Now that he thinks about it, Renji does feel a little bit lighter. “I feel a little bit better, I guess,” he says. “But it’s not much.”

Dr. Unohana nods. “When you suffer a flashback, what parts of your experience replay in your mind?” she asks.

“Kotsubaki shouting at Kotetsu to get out of the storage room,” Renji replies. “The cold feeling of the station. Kotetsu’s screams as the alien… does something to her. Kotetsu’s bloody, mangled corpse. The unclean, grimy feeling from being in the vicinity of the aliens or the Facehuggers. All those things.”

The topic turns to Renji’s nightmares as a whole, and Dr. Unohana isn’t surprised to learn that all of Renji’s nightmares have similar scenarios, coupled in with some newer ones from the most recent mission. She’s not too surprised to hear that Renji is terrified of the aliens, and that just thinking about them makes him suffer from panic attacks. And she’s also not surprised to hear that Renji’s hatred for Weyland-Yutani has become stronger.

After writing down a few notes, Dr. Unohana looks at him. “It sounds like you really haven’t been able to move forward from the death of your previous unit,” she observes. “And both the medal and these new doubts about the circumstances of that mission haven’t been helping at all. And with all of that mixed in with depression, some repressed childhood memories and fresh trauma from this most recent mission, I suppose it explains your current mental state of mind.”

Renji nods, and Dr. Unohana continues.

“So, from what you’ve told me so far, here is what I believe will be the best course of treatment for you,” she says. “It’s called cognitive processing, and it’s found to be very effective for both depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Something like this is incredibly useful for people in high-stress careers, such as emergency workers or people in the military. Basically, cognitive processing therapy aims to repair the damage done by a traumatic event to your beliefs about yourself and the world. It’ll help you deal with, challenge, or even change, your thoughts on your trauma and what has happened since then. The basic goal is to allow you to accept what happened, and manage your thoughts.”

Again, Renji nods.

“Excellent. So tomorrow, you’re going to try again and share the rest of the story of the incident,” Dr. Unohana tells him. “And then, we’re going to discuss your thoughts, such as how you see yourself and what has been the most common thing on your mind since your traumatic event, and how it has affected various things that have happened since then. How does that sound?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Renji says. “Now, I’m gonna go talk to General Kuchiki at dinner.”

Dr. Unohana nods, and shakes Renji’s hand before he gets up to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says with a smile.

“See you tomorrow.”

* * *

During dinner, Renji heads down to General Kuchiki’s quarters to talk to him. He knocks on the door and makes sure to collect himself.

“Come in,” General Kuchiki says.

Renji opens the door to see General Kuchiki sitting at his desk and going through a small stack of documents. “Sir, may I speak to you for a moment?”

“Sure. What is it, Abarai?” He doesn’t look up.

“I… I don’t want the Order of the Noble Sakura,” Renji tells him.

General Kuchiki pauses his work and looks up at Renji. It seems like there’s mild surprise in his eyes. “You don’t want the medal. Why not?” he asks.

“Because I don’t deserve it.”

“Elaborate. Why do you feel that way?”

Renji sighs. “I… I’m not that brave,” he says. “Yes, I helped my unit escape those creatures this time, but that doesn’t change the fact that I couldn’t save my previous unit from the exact same creatures four years ago.”

“You still confronted your worst nightmares to save your entire unit,” General Kuchiki says. “And considering what you have been through, I’d say that shows a lot of bravery. Sergeant Zaraki and Lieutenant Sasakibe are competent Marines; I’ve awarded medals to them in the past, so I’m not going to immediately dismiss their claims that you should get the Order of the Noble Sakura for your actions.”

Renji nods a little. “Very well then, sir,” he says, feeling like he’s gotten nowhere.

* * *

At some point after dinner, Akon comes up to Renji. “You’ve got a call in the VidiCom terminal, Abarai,” he informs him.

Renji heads down to the on-base VidiCom terminal to see who’s calling him. To his pleasant surprise, it’s Rukia. Making sure to smile a little bit, Renji answers the call by pushing a button on the keypad. “Hey,” he says when Rukia’s face comes on-screen. From the looks of it, she’s back in her apartment.

Rukia smiles. “Hey, Renji,” she says. “You free to talk yet?”

“Yeah.”

“So, mind telling me how your mission went?” Rukia asks.

“How ‘bout showing me those flowers first?” Renji asks.

Rukia chuckles and rolls her eyes a little bit. “Alright, just wait.” She heads over to a different room, then comes back with a photo of a sparkling, icy-blue orchid-like plant.

While the screen quality isn’t so great, Renji can tell that it’s quite pretty. But it’s probably prettier in person.

“Looks gorgeous. But I’d like to see it for real, I’d bet it’s even more pretty,” he tells her.

“Now, how ‘bout telling me about that mission?” Rukia reminds him as she sets the photo aside.

Renji nods slightly and gives her a basic summary of what had happened. He makes sure to tell her about Ise and Orihime, about how his unit survived this time, and about how he’s been recommended for an Order of the Noble Sakura.

Rukia looks awed at that. “That’s the highest honour anyone can ever get in the Gotei!” she tells him, her voice hushed.

Her awe fades away when she sees the troubled look on Renji’s face. “What’s with the long face?” she asks.

“Do you think I deserve it? Even though I failed to help my previous unit four years ago?” Renji asks her. “I tried talking to General Kuchiki about it, but--”

“Renji. If Nii-sama says you are worthy of it, then you are worthy,” Rukia tells him. “How can you not want that honour?”

“Because I don’t feel like I deserve it,” Renji says. “I don’t feel like I’ve redeemed myself yet, and just… I don’t know.”

Rukia is silent for a moment. “Listen to me,” she tells him. “I think you deserve that medal, okay? I’ve known you since we were kids in the slum, Renji. All this doubt you’ve got is just in your head. You need to tell it to shut up and fuck off, or nothing will get better.”

Renji nods, still a little unsure. “If you say so.”

They talk a little bit longer about mundane things before it’s time for lights-out. And as Renji heads to his quarters, the day’s events take their toll as he feels a wave of exhaustion washing over him.

He prays for a dreamless sleep tonight, but Renji knows something like that is too much to even hope for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Renji's fear of the aliens stems not just from its appearance and how it killed his previous unit, but also from how sadistic and genuinely evil the aliens are. That's part of the reason why he's still suffering from trauma; he saw just how cruel and intelligent the aliens can be, especially if you take Kotetsu Kiyone's death into mind, and you don't really get over something like that even after four years. And considering that he recently encountered them again, the trauma has become fresh all over again.
> 
> The concept of The Sublime was something I actually learned in my Gothic literature class last semester, and as I was writing this chapter, I found myself remembering this concept and connecting it with (spoiler) Brett's death in _Alien_. Because in the moments before Brett is killed, he stares at the alien with both awe and terror, which is exactly what the Sublime is described as. I decided to add this concept into the fic because it's one of my favourite concepts about the Gothic and it connects so well to the _Alien_ franchise that I can't pass up the opportunity to use it.
> 
> Let me know how I did :) Have a good one!


	4. Better Worlds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji dreams of his childhood days, gets some insight on General Kuchiki, and faces a question that stumps him good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 4, yet another hard chapter to write. This one has more character study to it, along with some Renji/Bazz-B Brotp stuff going on. I want to try and do a bit of worldbuilding for this fic, particularly what Earth must be like in the 22nd century.
> 
> There's also a bit of NSFW for discussions of sex.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

To Renji’s surprise, it’s not the aliens or Iwashiro that are the main focus of his nightmares tonight. Instead, he dreams of both Inuzuri and Weyland-Yutani.

Inuzuri is a slum district that emerged in Tokyo around the beginning of the 22nd century, long before Renji was born. He doesn’t know the exact reason why it had come to be, but there are a lot of factors that played into its formation, and among them are Weyland-Yutani, politics, poverty, and gang wars.

He dreams of the days when he, Rukia, and their three friends had pretended to be explorers travelling through space. He dreams of Rukia telling him that one day, they’d find their own planet and become the rulers of that world. And then he dreams of the day when he was nine, and their three friends had gotten killed during one of the notorious turf wars in Inuzuri.

That day, Renji had realized that life is hopeless in Inuzuri. If he wanted to go anywhere, he’d have to get out.

He dreams of the old commercials for Weyland-Yutani, where smiling men and women in crisp business suits always talked about how _you can join us today and travel the world, meet new people, and work to discover new worlds!,_ along with the usual spiel of employee testimonies claiming how much they love working for the Company and closing with that signature slogan: “Building Better Worlds”.

It’s your typical corporate propaganda that only changes as time goes on. Renji had figured out pretty early that those employee testimonies are fake.

And then that stupid jingle gets stuck in his head and Renji forces himself to wake up at four-thirty to just get rid of that tune in his mind. Sitting up, Renji notices that the sky is slowly beginning to grow lighter, and he climbs out of bed and changes into his PT shorts. He foregoes the shirt as well, since he knows he’s going to work up a sweat.

As he brushes his hair, Renji can’t help but remember the day when he’d enlisted with the Gotei Colonial Marine Corps.

In Inuzuri, there are two options you can choose from in order to get out of poverty: enlist with the Colonial Marines or take up a minimum-wage job with Weyland-Yutani and work in mines at offplanet colonies. Most people in Inuzuri tend to choose enlisting in the Marines, since hardly anyone holds the megacorps in high regard. 

Renji can’t blame them. He himself would rather not work for Weyland-Yutani. Sure, the Company has strong ties with the Marines, but Renji had decided that he’d rather devote his life to protecting people, going to new places, and going on the adventures he’d often dreamed of as a kid.

As he ties his hair into a ponytail, Renji remembers the circumstances around the fateful mission that completely messed him up, both mentally and emotionally.

Just what kind of person sends a dysfunctional, inexperienced, ill-prepared unit of Marines for what is essentially a death trap? A mission of that caliber should’ve gone to a more experienced unit; hell, it should’ve called for larger platoons of hardened, combat-ready Marines who can actually get along with one another. And plus, no one in their right mind will ever send Marines into combat without enough firepower. Hell, they should’ve just nuked the damn station in the first place.

Renji can’t help but suspect that someone in Weyland-Yutani has connections with some unsavoury officer up in the brass. He’s met quite a few officers in the Corps, and pretty much all of them are good-hearted, noble people with morals. None of them will ever think of sacrificing Marines for some insidious, selfish plan.

Yet… someone did. Renji doesn’t know who, but he’s sure it’s none of the officers he’s met. He doesn’t want to throw accusations around like that, but this is seriously sinister.

In the end, Renji shakes his head slightly to get himself to stop thinking about this. He’s already got a lot on his mind right now, and there’s no need to add even more stress and concern.

Adjusting his dog tags, he heads to the weight room to do some lifting before wakeup call, choosing to do some bench presses. So Renji puts some extra weight plates onto the barbell until it’s good to use for lifting. As he lies down on the bench and reaches up to grasp onto the barbell, he hears the door open, to his surprise. Glancing over at the doorway, Renji sees Bazz-B, wearing only his PT shorts, coming in.

“Bazz-B?” he asks, mildly surprised. “What are you doing?”

Bazz-B shrugs. “I could ask you the same thing?” he says. “Nightmares again?”

“Sort of. More like dreaming about my past until I forced myself to wake up. And you?”

“More nightmares for me.” Bazz-B notices Renji lying on the bench. “Want me to spot you?”

“That’d be great, thanks,” Renji says.

Bazz-B approaches the bench and then stands behind where Renji’s head is resting. Once he’s sure of himself, Renji reaches up and grips the barbell, lifting it off the rack. Bazz-B places his hands a couple of inches below the bar in case Renji runs out of energy.

“How many reps?” Bazz-B asks.

“Three sets of ten reps for now,” Renji says.

Then, Renji starts lifting, and he can feel his arm muscles working hard as he pushes the barbell upwards until his arms are extended. And then he lowers it back down to chest level, completing one rep.

After nine more reps, Bazz-B decides to talk to him. “So, how’d yesterday go for you?” he asks. “You know, with General Kuchiki being here and all that?”

“How do you think it went? It was exhausting,” Renji says as he starts his second set. “He’s gonna do this for four more days. I know he’s testing me to see if I’m worthy of the medal, but trying to quickly unload and reload a pulse rifle while blindfolded almost sent me into a flashback. By the time it was over, I was ready to just go to bed.”

“So… why are you lifting if you know you’re probably gonna have to do it again?” Bazz-B asks him.

“So I can be prepared for today’s training, I guess.” Renji has five more reps to go now.

He finishes his second set and takes a brief pause before starting his third set. As he’s lifting, he feels Bazz-B’s eyes on his numerous tattoos on his body.

“Can’t believe I never noticed how many tattoos you have,” Bazz-B mumbles.

Renji can’t help but snort. “Seriously? You’ve seen me shirtless many times, Bazz. You know, before and after cryosleep, that time we bunked together when we were stationed in Sri Lanka; hell, even during training. And you never noticed until now?” he asks disbelievingly.

Bazz-B shrugs. “Did they hurt?” he asks.

“Some of them did, not gonna lie,” Renji admits.

“What’d you get ‘em for?”

Renji finishes up his third set, and Bazz-B helps him set the barbell back on the rack. As he sits up, Renji speaks.

“The ones on my arms, I got after enlisting,” Renji says. “My neck tattoos? After I became Private First Class. My back tattoos are for my first medal. I got the ones on my abs when I became a Corporal. The ones on my neck are for my Golden Iris. My chest tattoos are for my first ribbon. And the ones on my legs… they’re in memory of my old unit.”

There’s a moment of silence after that statement as Renji wipes the sweat from his forehead with a towel. As he takes a drink of water from his water bottle, Bazz-B tries to lighten the mood.

“I think they’re badass, man,” Bazz-B tells him. “Especially your eyebrow tattoos. Those are hardcore.”

Renji smiles slightly as he gets up from the bench. He picks up some dumbbells from the rack, and Bazz-B does the same.

“I’ll bet the ladies just love those tattoos, huh?” Bazz-B asks teasingly, raising an eyebrow as he starts doing bicep curls.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Renji says with a light laugh. He starts doing some shoulder presses.

“Remember that time when we had that mission at LV-174? The colony that’s already developed to the point of being a small city?” Bazz-B recalls. “Man, those colonist girls were all over you!”

“And there were some guys too,” Renji adds.

Indeed, Renji’s tattoos have attracted quite a bit of attention from both civilian and military ladies and men.

Bazz-B chuckles. “And you wonder why I call you a ‘walking sex organ’,” he teases.

“Actually, I’m still confused how I got that nickname,” Renji admits, shaking his head. “Especially since you’re one to talk, Bazz.”

Renji’s no womanizer, but he does like to engage in some casual sex for the sake of release every now and then, especially if they’re on a long mission in space or at an off-planet colony. And he’s not the only one in his unit. Pretty much all the guys except for Madarame (who's already in a steady relationship) will engage in casual sex, and same with the girls too. And for Renji, it doesn’t matter if it’s with a guy or girl. So long as they want to have a casual fling with a Marine, then it works out well in the end.

Another chuckle escapes Bazz-B’s lips. “Well, back on LV-174, I was just taking a walk around the base at night when I saw a girl leave your quarters looking really satisfied,” he says. “And I guess word got around the colony too, because every time a girl or guy went in there, they come out looking so pleased with themselves.”

Renji blushes slightly. So that’s where he’s gotten that reputation. “Yeah, but it’s not like I’m willing to fuck anything that’s humanoid and moves,” he says. “I haven’t fucked an Arrancar yet.”

He doesn’t even know the full details of the ‘Arrancar ass’ incident, but he knows that Hisagi had been the leader and had gotten Bazz-B and some other guys in the unit involved. He hears snippets of it every now and then, but he doesn’t know if he wants to hear more. If anything, Renji’s glad he didn’t get involved. He’s perfectly content with fucking humans, thank you very much.

After a bit more lifting, Renji sets his dumbbells back on the rack. “It’s almost wake-up call,” he says.

“Better get back,” Bazz-B agrees as he sets his dumbbells back.

“And don’t forget, you’re on laundry duty today.”

“I got it,” Bazz-B says.

* * *

Renji feels a bit more awake after lifting weights before sunrise, so he puts on a bit of deodorant before putting on his fatigues. After a quick breakfast, he is told to meet General Kuchiki out in the outdoor firing range with a rifle.

Not one to take his time, Renji takes an AR-18 rifle from the arsenal along with its ammo cartridges before heading out to the firing range. Sure enough, General Kuchiki is waiting for him.

“You received an Expert Rifleman ribbon, didn’t you?” the General asks him.

“Yes, sir,” Renji says.

“Then show me your skills, Corporal,” General Kuchiki responds, his expression impassive as always.

Wielding the rifle, Renji aims it at the targets set up. He feels a little nervous about showing his skills in front of the General, but he knows that this is to test him. With a deep breath, Renji starts to fire at the targets with all the precision and accuracy that helped him earn that ribbon he now wears on his dress uniform.

After shooting, Renji quickly notices that today’s training is even harder than yesterday’s, and Renji just knows that it’s going to get even harder tomorrow and the day after that. Only three days are left until General Kuchiki leaves, so Renji knows that he’s barely even gotten started.

Among the exercises he has to do, Renji is made to flip and push tires outside, and as he does so, he can feel his core, back, arms, legs, and shoulders working hard. The weather is also getting hotter and Renji feels his uniform clinging to his body with sweat.

By the time he’s finished with the tires, Renji feels exhausted. His heart is pounding hard against his chest, his throat is dry and he’s in desperate need of water. He distantly remembers feeling this sort of intense thirst when he and the unit was doing a joint exercise with the U.S. Colonial Marines while they were stationed in Morocco last year.

God, what he wouldn’t give for a little bit of water…

Fortunately, General Kuchiki is merciful enough to give him a brief respite. “Cool yourself off, Corporal,” he tells him.

Renji is grateful, and he practically drains his water bottle before he pours the rest into his cupped palm and splashes the back of his neck to cool himself off. As he frees his hair from his ponytail, he briefly glances at General Kuchiki and can’t help but feel a bit envious at how composed he is even in this heat.

 _Isn’t he feeling warm in that uniform?_ He can’t help but wonder.

“You finished cooling off yet?” General Kuchiki asks.

Renji nods as he quickly ties his hair back into the ponytail again. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. Because we’re far from finished, Abarai,” General Kuchiki tells him. “When you’re done, come to the gym.”

* * *

Renji is even more sore than yesterday by the time he’s finished, and he takes a long shower before he heads down to meet Dr. Unohana. After all, he doesn’t want her to suffer from how bad he must smell. So he cleans himself quite thoroughly, even washing his hair out twice before he truly starts feeling clean again.

And once he’s changed into a fresh set of fatigues, Renji does a brief checkup with Soifon in the sick bay just to make sure he hasn’t injured himself from all the intense training in any way.

Soifon briefly examines him, asks him a few questions, and then gives her feedback.

“You’re doing fine, Abarai,” she tells him. “Trust me, I’d know if there were any injuries. And apart from some mild cuts and scratches, there’s nothing major.”

“Thanks,” Renji says, still feeling exhausted.

“Lemme guess: the General’s starting to wear you down?” Soifon asks with a light smirk on her face.

Renji chuckles. “Kinda, but I can still keep going,” he says. “I have to.”

“That’s the spirit.” Soifon puts away her first-aid kit. “Anyways, you’re good to go now.”

Renji gets up to leave, but pauses. “By the way, you know anything about General Kuchiki?” he asks her.

“Well… I know that he was a prodigy in bootcamp,” Soifon says. “Apparently, he never got yelled at by the drill instructors, and that’s also partly because his father and grandfather were high-ranking officers.”

“Damn, seriously?”

“Yeah. But General Kuchiki’s also a fair man, and he’s very active in the Corps. He doesn’t just sit behind the lines, he goes out into combat with his troops,” Soifon continues. “I remember meeting him back when he was a Colonel, and back when I was still a Private First Class in a different unit.”

“What was he like?”

Soifon thinks for a moment. “He seemed pretty cold and standoffish in that moment,” she recalls. “He was intimidating, but that was mainly because of the sheer difference in rank, of course. But you can see that he’s proud to be a Marine. He loves his job as much as Zaraki, and he definitely cares about all the Marines, regardless of who they are.”

Renji nods. “Yeah, he was the one who sent me to Dr. Unohana four years ago, back when…” he trails off. “Before I came here.”

“And speaking of her, I think you should get going to meet her,” Soifon points out.

“Yeah, I’m going now,” Renji says.

When he gets to Dr. Unohana’s office, he finds that she’s just preparing some tea, and he’s greeted with a smile from her. “How are you doing?” she asks.

Renji sits down on the chair and sighs. “I’m really tired,” he admits. “Today was even harder than yesterday.”

“You know, if you’re feeling too tired to meet me after your training with the General, we can always postpone our sessions until he leaves,” Dr. Unohana says. “Just something to think about, and before our session ends, you can let me know what you think.”

“Sounds good.”

“So… would you like to try and share the rest of your story with me?” Dr. Unohana asks him.

Renji nods. He closes his eyes and picks up from where he left off. He gets a little bit further, but then he realizes that he’s going to have to share the parts of Kotsubaki and Kotetsu’s deaths, and he just freezes up as he’s pulled back into his memories again.

 _No… not again…_ Renji takes a deep breath and tries to push forward. But he can’t. He just can’t. “I-I can’t do this anymore, but I have to keep going.”

Dr. Unohana shakes her head. “That’s enough,” she tells him gently. “This is clearly a deeply upsetting memory for you at the moment, so you can wait until you are ready to share.”

“I can’t just stop!” Renji protests. “I have to do this!”

“No, you don’t. Not right now. I can give you more time,” she reassures him. “It’s okay that you cannot share the rest of the story with me. It doesn’t mean you are weak, Abarai-kun. It’s a challenge you need to overcome.”

Renji nods, slowly calming down. “Okay… okay…” he says.

Dr. Unohana smiles warmly. “Good. Let’s move on then.”

So they move on with the rest of the session. After doing a bit of their planned agenda, Renji then asks Dr. Unohana about the banquet, since he knows that she’s also been invited. He also learns that Ise and Orihime have also been invited for the banquet, much to his pleasant surprise.

“So, you’ve become close with them, I take it?” Dr. Unohana asks, looking happy to see Renji’s eyes light up.

“I have,” Renji says.

“How about you tell me about them?” she encourages.

And so Renji tells her about Ise and Orihime. He tells her how Orihime has become like a little sister to him, and how she’d awoken a lot of protective feelings within him. He also tells her how Ise was pretty nice, and how he’d taught her how to use a pulse rifle while they were in the facility.

“Do they know that you’ve been recommended for an Order of the Noble Sakura?” Dr. Unohana asks.

“Yeah, they do,” Renji says. “They were there when Zaraki and Lieutenant Sasakibe made the recommendation to Major Tousen and Colonel Kyoraku.”

“Well, I’m willing to bet that they’d want to see you receive that medal,” Dr. Unohana points out. “You did save their lives, after all.”

Renji thinks for a moment. “I… I guess they would, honestly,” he says.

“Do you think you’d accept the medal on their behalf?”

That stumps Renji right then and there. “I don’t know,” he admits.

“Just think about it for a little bit,” Dr. Unohana suggests. “You saved their lives as well as your unit’s lives. I’m willing to bet that they definitely believe you deserve that medal.”

Dr. Unohana’s words remain in Renji’s head for the rest of the day, and he can’t stop thinking about them even when he goes to bed that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember reading somewhere that when he was making _Alien_ , Ridley Scott (or one of the writers) had decided that the crew of the _Nostromo_ has all slept with each other, so in his vision, there was no homophobia in the future. And besides, think about it, when you're in space for months surrounded by your coworkers whom you're already pretty close with, a lot of things can happen. So basically, the attitude towards sex in the future is pretty open and accepting.
> 
> Let me know how I did :) Have a good one!


	5. And We Move Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a nightmare about the memory that messed him up severely, Renji steels his resolve to never let the aliens win, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 5. There's only two more chapters left for this story, and then it'll be another installment that'll have a bit more horror and a bit more action to it.
> 
> Trigger warning for violence, blood, and implied rape.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

_“We’re gonna blow up the station. The ship’s on its way.”_

_“Good.”_

_“We’ll need to get the transit system back online and activate the self-destruct system. I’ll take care of transit, you guys take care of self-destruction in the operations room. Conserve your ammo as much as you can.”_

_They’ve finally repaired the comms system and successfully contacted their ship, which is in orbit around the nearby gas giant. It’ll take a while for them to come, but they’ll be getting off this shithole soon enough._

_Renji’s starting to run low on fuel and ammo for both his flamethrower and pulse rifle. Hell, he doesn’t even have enough ammo to begin with in the first place. None of them had. So he has to be prudent, but he keeps his flamethrower at the ready as he makes his way to the transit control center._

_Even by the Gotei’s standards, this has been a long, fucked-up mission. It’s been less than a day since they got onto Iwashiro and things went from bad to complete clusterfuck the minute they got here._

_From the full team they had, they went down to five Marine grunts, and from there, the number kept on dropping until now, there’s only three of them left: Private Kotsubaki Sentaro, Private Kotetsu Kiyone, and Renji himself. Shishigawara and Eishima are dead now, the latter dragged up into the vents by one of the aliens, the former ambushed by another alien in the vent shaft._

_Renji can’t help but think briefly that it’s almost funny how they’re able to work together to try and survive this disaster, when they can’t even get along back on base. Kotsubaki and Kotetsu are usually bickering non-stop on base, always trying to prove who’s better than who, and it’s not even the fun kind of bickering. Shishigawara and Eishima practically hate each other… or, hated each other. Yet with Sergeant Amagai and most of the squad dead, suddenly they’re trying to work together and survive these creatures._

_Seems like the most dire of situations can suddenly make people willing to cooperate with even the ones they hate._

_Renji arrives at the transit control center and searches for the panel to control the shuttle to the spaceflight terminal._

_It’s too damn quiet. The shadows seem to move, and Renji is on high-alert._

_He taps away at the keys to reactivate the transit shuttle. Every now and then, he glances at the doorway, watching out for any sign of the creatures. That skeletal tail, the thick drool, the telltale hissing, any of those, yet nothing comes._

_For now._

_Renji flips up one last switch and finally, finally, the transit shuttle is reactivated._

_But then--_

_“Get outta the way!” That’s Kotsubaki._

_Renji slowly straightens up, listening to his headset carefully. Ice starts to form in his stomach._

_Kotetsu whimpers incoherently, sounding frightened._

_“Get outta the way, Kotetsu! It’s gonna kill us!” Kotsubaki is shouting now, his voice filled with desperation and fear._

_“I… I can’t!” Kotetsu cries._

_“Kotetsu, for chrissakes, get outta the way!”_

_“Kotsubaki? Kotetsu?” Renji whispers, heading to the exit._

_Neither of them hear him._

_“Get the fuck outta the way, Kotetsu!” Kotsubaki shouts._

_Through his headset, Renji hears Kotetsu start to cry, sounding absolutely terrified, and Kotsubaki is still shouting at her to just run. Kotsubaki sounds anxious and scared now. And amidst that, there’s a vicious, visceral snarling that can only belong to…_

_Renji is frozen in place, and his stomach clenches unpleasantly. Kotetsu’s sobs are distorted and unsettling. Kotsubaki is still shouting at her, but Renji knows that she can hardly hear him now._

_He hears a crash and the sound of a body hitting something really hard, and that snaps him out of his stupor. Renji rushes out of the control center and heads to the operations room._

_Kotsubaki screams and Renji almost falters as he hears it through the headset. His screams and yells are visceral, agonized, choked. All Renji can do is run faster, knowing deep down that he’s not going to get there on time._

_“Get outta the room-!” Kotsubaki screams one last time. Then, the sickening sound of flesh being torn brutally fills his headset._

_Renji is desperate. He has to get Kotetsu, he has to save her._

_Kotetsu is hysterical now, her sobbing, despairing pleas incoherent. Renji feels sick to his stomach when he hears an agonized moan._

_Then, Kotetsu is screaming. Renji’s blood runs cold as he listens._

_Her brutal, visceral screams speak of a suffering beyond human comprehension. Pain, anguish, hysteria, all of them mix into an inhuman, horrific, bloodcurdling sound._

_But at the same time, there’s something in her screams that sounds almost… animal. It’s carnal, sensuous, fervid, and absolutely chilling. It fills Renji’s ears and he feels an unsettling sensation in his gut that he doesn’t even know how to describe._

_As he nears the operations room, Kotetsu starts hysterically panting and hyperventilating in a suggestive, primal way that Renji recognizes with mounting dread. Her panting and gasps get faster and faster and suddenly, they break off into a blood-curdling shriek._

_The silence that follows is unnerving._

_Renji swallows, and he feels tears prick his eyes. Slowly, he makes his way to the operations room, his heart pounding fast against his chest._

_“Kotsubaki?” he whispers, his voice trembling. “Kotetsu?”_

_He peers through the doorway, trying not to make a noise. There’s no sign of the creature anywhere, so he cautiously steps into the room only to freeze in his tracks._

_His eyes widen in horror at the sight before him._

_Kotsubaki’s body is slumped against the wall, face mangled beyond recognition, blood splattered all around him._

_And not too far from him… Kotetsu._

_Kotetsu’s mutilated corpse lies on a nearby crate, her armour broken, her clothes torn and tattered. Blood flows from her mouth, mixing with the tears that stain her face. Her bare legs are spread apart, blood dripping from between them._

_And her eyes._

_Her dead eyes are filled with despair, anguish, and pain. They burn right into Renji’s soul, seeing right through him, mocking him as if to say, ‘you’re on your own now’._

* * *

Renji cries out as he wakes up, almost jolting out of bed. He’s covered in sweat, and his heart is pounding against his chest as he sits up. He takes a deep breath to try and calm himself down, but instead, he just sobs quietly to himself. “Fuck…” he whispers as he rubs his face with his palm.

It’s been two days since General Kuchiki finished testing him. He’d left for Tokyo yesterday, and will give his notes to discuss with other officers in order to see whether or not Renji has earned the medal.

For the remaining three days of General Kuchiki’s visit, Renji hadn’t been plagued with flashbacks or nightmares, mainly because he was too exhausted after all the training and testing. And he’s started thinking that he’s getting better.

But now that the General has left, it looks like the nightmares have come back in full force.

And even worse, it’s the memory of Kotetsu’s horrific fate that has to hit him first.

Out of everything on that mission, Kotetsu’s death has fucked him over the hardest. God, Renji can still hear those chilling screams in his sleep, those screams that make his blood run cold, that have haunted him for four fucking years already.

Closing his eyes, Renji sighs tiredly. He rubs his face again and opens his eyes before turning on his bedside lamp and getting up. He goes over to his desk and notices two envelopes sitting on top, both of them addressed to this base. One is from Ise, the other is from Orihime.

Both these letters came yesterday, and while Renji has already read through them, he feels like reading them again. So he takes out Orihime’s letter first.

Orihime has been doing fine since they got back, apart from the fierce nightmares she's been having. She’s currently living in Ami-machi with an old friend from middle school, named Tatsuki (who is also helping her deal with her nightmares), and has finished her exams, so she and her friend have been checking out the town while on her break. She’s also said that she can’t wait to see Renji again in Tokyo, and even joked that when Renji sees her, he won’t be able to recognize her. And she even signed off her letter with ‘Lots of hugs’.

Ise’s letter is fairly short and to the point. Instead of working for Nagoya University or going independent, she’s decided to work as a scientist for the Gotei, and is currently working at a military lab in Tokyo. She’s also living with a good friend from her university days named Rangiku. She’s also mentioned that she looks forward to meeting Renji again at the banquet, and hopes to see him getting the Order of the Noble Sakura.

As he’s writing letters to send to them, Renji turns on his radio, which starts playing some 1980’s music at a low volume. He’s always liked listening to music from that era of the 20th century. Sure, all those songs are so old, but there’s just something so nostalgic he likes about them.

He needs something to get rid of Kotetsu’s screams in his head too.

* * *

Renji can hardly eat breakfast this morning. Thanks to waking up early, he’s just not hungry. But he’s still the Corporal, so he has to set an example for the rest of the squad.

He glances over at Mila Rose and Bazz-B, and notices that they don’t look tired or exhausted. Feeling curious, he asks them, “you guys sleep well?”.

Mila Rose nods. “Yeah, I did,” she says.

“Any nightmares or things like that?”

“Jeez, what are you? Our mother?” Mila Rose retorts, rolling her eyes. “I slept fine, Abarai. Nothing for you to worry about.”

Renji nods while taking a sip of orange juice. He sets his cup down and continues speaking. “You telling the truth?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

“Good. But if something’s bothering you, then please come and tell me, alright? Your mental health is important to me as a Corporal.”

“Maybe you should start by looking into a mirror, Abarai?” Yadomaru tells him, raising an eyebrow. “Like, you look tired.”

Renji glances at her. “I’m fine,” he says.

“No, but seriously. You look like death,” Hisagi tells him.

At that, Renji frowns. Does he really look that bad? His most recent nightmare was this morning, but he’s been sleeping pretty decently when General Kuchiki had been testing him, mainly because he was too tired to dream.

However, his nightmare of Kotetsu’s death continues to haunt him during their daily training, and it shows in his performance. Renji is distracted, and he’s also slow to react. But he just can’t get the vision of Kotetsu’s mangled, violated corpse out of his mind, and the fact that he experienced it in its entirety really doesn’t help.

After a while, he’s fed up and frustrated. Renji leaves the gym and heads to the washroom to take a breather, ignoring everyone’s stares in the process.

As he washes his face, Renji then looks at himself in the mirror. Hisagi’s right. He really looks like shit.

Renji notices that there are dark circles starting to show under his bloodshot eyes, and he does look tired indeed.

He sighs softly and shakes his head. And right then, something inside of him steels his resolve. His eyes harden as he looks at himself in the mirror.

He can’t let these nightmares drag him down anymore. It’s starting to affect his performance as a Corporal, and he can’t let that happen. Renji has sworn to himself that nothing will take away his career, and if he doesn’t accept that medal, then what will that say about him?

Kurotsuchi, WeYu, those aliens… they’ll all win in the end.

And he’ll be damned if he lets those aliens have the last laugh.

* * *

When Renji goes to meet Dr. Unohana for today’s session, he’s surprised to see that instead of her usual business-casual attire, she’s wearing a white sundress with blue paisley print on the fabric.

Dr. Unohana smiles at him. “I figured that we should have a change of environment for today’s session,” she says. “So today, we’ll be going to the beach. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good, I guess,” Renji says, wondering where she’s going with this. “I have to get my pass approved first, though.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I spoke with Sergeant Zaraki, so he’s already given you permission,” Dr. Unohana reassures. “Just so long as you come back before curfew, it’ll be fine.”

Renji nods. “Okay.”

They take a bus from the base to Zaimokuza Beach, which is only a twenty minute drive or so. The weather is really nice as well: the skies are clear, it’s not too hot, and there’s a gentle breeze blowing.

Surprisingly, there aren’t a lot of people on the beach. Most of the visitors are relaxing at the restaurants, beachside bars, and cafés on the boardwalk, but there are a few people, mainly surfers, on the beach. Otherwise, it’s peaceful and quiet for the most part.

“Come, let’s go somewhere quiet,” Dr. Unohana suggests.

Renji follows her to a quiet cove away from the main beach area.

“Isn’t it lovely today?” she asks him.

“Yeah, it is,” Renji says.

“Do you like the beach?”

“Kinda, I guess. What about you?”

“Oh, I love beaches. There’s something so calming about them that I just love.”

As they walk along the shore, Renji just stares out at the ocean for a moment. It’s quite a lovely view, and he finds himself feeling a bit calmer right now. They walk for about ten minutes before they start speaking with each other.

“So, how was your sleep last night?” Dr. Unohana asks.

“Awful.” Renji looks down. “My nightmares came back, and it’s the one from Iwashiro that messed me up the most.”

“Do you think you’re ready to share it with me, Abarai-kun?”

Renji pauses for a moment, but then nods. “I’m… I’m going to share it,” he says. “If I don’t, then it’s gonna affect my performance as a Corporal, and it’ll mean that those aliens will win.”

A tiny smile appears on Dr. Unohana’s face. “You can speak whenever you’re ready,” she tells him.

In that moment, Renji’s glad that they’re away from the main area of the beach.

So he starts talking. And to his surprise, it’s actually a bit easier to tell her about Kotsubaki and Kotetsu’s deaths. He does have to stop and collect himself in between, but compared to how he used to be before, Renji is finally able to tell her about the memories of Iwashiro that fucked him up the hardest.

“And it was right then that I realized just how… twisted, how depraved those aliens are,” Renji tells her. “I can still hear Kotetsu’s screams sometimes, and it chills me. I… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to just get over how she died.”

“That’s understandable,” Dr. Unohana reassures. “Some things take a lot longer to move forward from. And that’s perfectly alright, Abarai-kun.” She glances at him. “How do you feel after sharing it with me?”

Renji thinks for a moment. Oddly enough, he feels a lot… lighter. He’s not hurting as much as he used to. But it feels like only a bit of weight has been lifted from his shoulders. There’s still more, but it’s not as constraining or heavy as it used to be.

“I feel… lighter,” Renji confesses. “I… I don’t know how to feel about this, though. I mean… I’d decided that today, I’d share this memory with you, but I didn’t really expect to feel a lot less… burdened, I guess? Again, I’m not too sure if this is good or bad.”

Dr. Unohana smiles serenely. “Well, I’d say that this is a step in the right direction,” she says. “Of course, you still feel upset and hurt. But you’re starting to slowly think about Iwashiro in a different light. I think that’s a sign that deep down, you know their deaths aren’t your fault, and that you deserve recognition for your actions.”

Renji nods slowly. “I… I guess I’m slowly starting to come around to accepting the medal if I do end up getting it,” he admits. “But I still feel like I’m responsible in a way, though. And I still feel like the medal should go to someone else.”

“Let that feeling exist. You’ll come to terms with it in time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Kiyone's death was a reference to (spoiler) Lambert's unknown death in _Alien_. That death scene freaks me out so much, especially with what was implied. And that kind of chilling fate, and the fact that the alien is supposed to be the embodiment of rape (according to H.R. Giger), these are all among the main reasons why Renji is so terrified of the aliens.
> 
> Zaimokuza Beach is a beach in Kamakura that's mostly for surfers, but it's generally swimmer-friendly as well.
> 
> Ami-machi is a town in Ibaraki Prefecture and the location of Kasumigaura Nursing School, which is where Orihime is studying.
> 
> Let me know how I did :) Have a good one!


	6. Pride and Honour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the days leading up to the banquet, Renji seems to be doing better. And when they get to Tokyo, Renji meets up with Rukia to catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second-last chapter. Boy, this was a tough one to write! But I've finally written it up, so I hope you enjoy!

In the days leading up to the banquet, Renji starts to do a bit better in terms of sleep. Perhaps accepting those doubts has helped him. He doesn’t have as many nightmares or flashbacks as he used to, and his confidence slowly starts to grow a little bit.

Maybe this is a sign that he’s finally beginning to heal from Iwashiro.

But those questions about Iwashiro, namely the circumstances, still continue to haunt him. And Renji knows that while he may be slowly starting to heal, he’s gonna need closure in order to be able to move forward.

That, and never having to see those damn aliens ever again.

Renji can only hope he never has to see them again. If any of them ever make it to Earth, then he has no qualms about nuking the whole planet from orbit.

Everyone’s having breakfast right now, and as always, the conversations are loud, the banter is good-natured, and even more, Akon is doing the knife game with a panicking Bazz-B while Muguruma holds his hand down.

Renji takes a drink of water before he glances at Mila Rose. “So, are you gonna wear your dress uniform or a gown for the banquet?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” Mila Rose admits. “It’d be nice to show off my medals, but I also rarely have a chance to dress up.”

“I’m wearing my dress uniform,” Soifon says decisively. “It’s my duty as a Marine to honour the Corps, so I will wear my uniform proudly.”

That’s not a surprise. Soifon takes her duties very seriously, and strongly believes in following orders.

Yadomaru shrugs. “I might wear a gown this time,” she says.

For banquets and other formal gatherings, female Marines have the option of wearing either their dress uniforms or an evening gown, so long as it’s appropriate and follows the dress code. While most of them tend to wear their dress uniforms, there are some who choose to wear gowns.

Generally, Gotei banquets are serious business. It’s a chance for people to dress up, to meet high-ranking officers and decorated veterans, and to show off their achievements. Renji’s been to enough gatherings and banquets in the past to know what they’re like. The social hour is fun, and while the formal parts are long, it’s tradition and you can’t really go against some traditions. Out of all the things, Renji likes meeting the veterans and officers the most, as well as meeting the friends and dates of his fellow Marines.

He looks forward to seeing Rukia again, and he especially looks forward to seeing Ise and Orihime.

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears Zaraki call for their attention. “Listen up, Marines!” Zaraki calls.

Everyone looks up at him, all conversations falling silent.

“As you know, we’re leaving for Tokyo tomorrow,” Zaraki tells them. “Now I want all you gentlemen to go and make sure your dress uniforms fit. Ladies, if you wanna wear a dress, then make sure it’s appropriate, like an evening gown. I’m not having anyone embarrass me or my Corps, alright? And when you’re done, make sure you do some packing for the trip after our training.”

After breakfast, everyone heads down to their quarters to try on their dress uniforms and make sure they fit.

The Burgundy Dress uniform is the most recognizable uniform of the Gotei Colonial Marine Corps. Often seen in recruiting advertisements, they’re sharp, classy, sophisticated, and even stylish. They consist of a long-sleeved burgundy tunic coat with a Nehru-collar, a white web belt, a white peaked cap with a gold sakura flower inside a gold rhombus embroidered on the front, a plain white shirt, black slacks with a gold stripe on the outer seam of each leg, white gloves, and black dress shoes and socks. Women have the option of wearing a skirt in place of the slacks, and they must wear black pumps with their uniforms.

One thing about the dress uniform is that wearing it is the only time an officer gets to show off the medals and ribbons they’ve received. Full-sized medals are worn on the left chest, and ribbon awards are on the right.

After putting on his dress uniform, Renji looks at himself in the mirror as he adjusts his two medals on his left side. On the upper arm of his left sleeve is the Corporal rank insignia: three gold chevron stripes with a gold sakura at the top.

Renji has to admit, he likes the dress uniform, despite how stiff it feels. He likes how sharp he looks in it, how it makes him look professional, and how it makes him feel proud. Every time he wears this uniform, he feels proud to be a Marine. He tightens the collar a little and then steps out into the hallway so Zaraki can check him.

Zaraki gives him a quick glance. “Looking good,” he says, nodding in approval.

“Thanks…” Renji looks down.

“What’s the matter, Abarai?” Zaraki asks him.

“I’m… I’m feeling a little nervous, that’s all,” Renji admits. “Sarge, if I need to step out and take a breather at the party, would that be alright?”

“Why wouldn’t it? Go ahead,” Zaraki says. “I wouldn’t force you to stay if you’re feeling uncomfortable, Abarai. If you need to get some fresh air at the party, then that’s fine. I’m not gonna hold it against you.”

Renji gives him a small smile. “Thanks, Sarge.”

“Listen to me, Abarai,” Zaraki says, his voice serious. “I’ll see you through this fight. Black will see you through this fight. Mila Rose, Kira, Hisagi, we’ll all see you through this, okay?”

Renji suddenly feels a little choked up, but he nods. “I… I’ll believe you,” he says. “And I know I don’t really believe in myself, but I hope I can, someday.”

“Just keep searching, and we will help you find it.” Zaraki claps his shoulder slightly.

Renji heads back to his quarters and changes back into his PT uniform after making sure his dress uniform is put away neatly. He then packs up a few of his clothes into a duffel bag before carefully packing his dress uniform set.

As he finishes packing the last of his things, he hears a knock on his door before it opens, revealing Bazz-B.

“What’s up?” Renji asks, looking at him curiously.

“Just wanted to see how you’re doing,” Bazz-B says. “I saw you talking to Sarge, and I was wondering if you’re okay.”

Renji nods with a small smile. “I’m fine,” he reassures. “Just… I’m thinking about what could happen at the banquet with my PTSD and all that.”

“Sounds like you got something on your mind.”

“Yeah, I do,” Renji admits. “Listen, Bazz. All I ask of you is for your help. If I need to take a breather, just walk with me out in the hallway, okay? Walk with me and just… don’t leave. Can you do that?”

Bazz-B nods. “Sure, I can do that,” he says. “You’re gonna be okay, Abarai. Don’t worry about it.”

“I hope so.” Renji smiles weakly at him. “Thanks, Bazz.”

* * *

The next morning, they all have to get ready for the bus ride to Tokyo. Instead of their PT uniforms, everyone is to get dressed in their service uniforms before the bus arrives.

The Gotei Colonial Marine Corps service uniform is as identifiable as the dress uniform, and is basically the military equivalent to a business suit. It consists of dark brown slacks, a beige button-up shirt, black shoes, a dark brown single-breasted coat, a black beret, and a black tie.

After dressing into his service uniform, Renji combs his hair and ties it into a low ponytail before putting on his black beret. He smiles briefly at himself in the mirror. He looks pretty good.

With that, he takes his duffel bag and heads out to the bus.

The drive to their hotel in Tokyo is a little over an hour. Renji spends most of the bus ride listening to music on his music player, and just looking out the window. And before he even realizes, they’ve arrived at the hotel.

As always, the hotel chosen for the banquet is quite opulent, and Renji can’t help but admire the blend of modern and traditional Japanese design in the lobby. It’s in an area that’s dominated by 20th-century architecture, most of which are restored buildings.

A couple of Marines in dress uniforms walk up to Zaraki and Renji, smiling and shaking their hands before they escort everyone to their rooms. As it turns out, Renji will be sharing with Bazz-B. Not that he minds.

“I’m going to take a look around,” Renji tells him after setting his bag down. “You okay with that?”

“Sure, man. I’m just gonna check out what’s on TV,” Bazz-B says. “See you around.”

Renji nods before taking his key and heading out of the hotel room.

When he gets down to the lobby, Renji picks up a guide to check out the facilities in the hotel. But then, he’s interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Renji!” Glancing up, Renji sees Rukia coming towards him with a smile on her face.

Renji can’t help but grin back.

“Rukia!” he greets, giving her a quick hug.

Rukia hugs him back before pulling away. “Long time no see, Renji,” she says with a smirk. “Gotta say, the service uniform looks good on you.”

“What can I say? Everyone loves a man in uniform,” Renji teases. “But wait ‘till you see me in my dress uniform tomorrow night.”

She’s seen him in his dress uniform a couple of times already, but it’s still fun to tease her about it. After all, it’s no secret that Rukia loves the Gotei dress uniform.

“Let’s catch up a little,” Rukia suggests.

“Sure.”

Renji follows her to the hotel’s restaurant, where they sit right at the bar. Rukia gets herself a lime daiquiri while Renji orders a can of Asahi Super Dry and a mug to pour it into.

“So, how’s everything been going?” Renji asks her as he pours his beer into the mug. “You excited for the banquet?”

“Of course!” Rukia says, smiling. “I’ve gotten myself a new dress, and I’ve brought three colleagues along with me who I’d like you to meet. Well, actually, they’re all pilots of their own spaceship, but they’re chartered to Weyland-Yutani and I’ve shipped out with them before, so we’ve become friends now.”

Renji smiles. “Nice. Well, I also have two people coming to the banquet that I’d like you to meet,” he says. “One of them came on our mission to LV-352, and the other one is a survivor from there, so they’ve both been invited as well.”

“A survivor?” Rukia asks, looking slightly surprised.

“It’s a long story,” Renji says. “But, long story short, an alien lifeform wiped out the Hokutan research facility on LV-352, and this woman is the only one who survived the massacre.”

“Damn.”

“I got kinda close to her and now she’s like a little sister to me. She’s really sweet, and I’m sure you’d love to meet her.”

“Well, I’ll keep that in mind.” Rukia’s eyes soften slightly. “Anyways… how are you doing now?”

Renji thinks for a moment. “I… guess I’m doing a bit better,” he says. “I’ve decided that if I do get the medal, I’m going to accept it. Because otherwise, those damn aliens will win. And I won’t let that happen.”

“And how’s that working out?”

A small smile crosses Renji’s face. “I think it’s working fine for now. I’m probably beginning to really heal from Iwashiro,” he says. “I don’t know if I’ll get better quickly, but… it’s a start.”

Rukia smiles. “That’s wonderful,” she says. Then, she raises her glass. “To moving forward.”

Chuckling slightly, Renji raises his mug. “To moving forward.”

* * *

The next day comes faster than expected, and everyone is expected to get ready at around sixteen-thirty before they head down to the ballroom for the banquet.

After a shower, Renji changes into his dress uniform and combs his hair before tying it into its usual low side-ponytail. Then, he adjusts his medals and looks over himself once more before he smiles slightly.

“Not bad,” he murmurs as he puts on his cap.

“You ready yet?” Bazz-B asks.

Renji nods. “Yeah.” He turns to follow Bazz-B out of the hotel room, and they go to meet with the rest of the unit.

Upon arriving, they wait for the others to show up, and then Zaraki has them get into formation, and they march into the ballroom when their cue comes.

As they enter, Renji briefly observes the opulent, dimly-lit ballroom. A few chandeliers hang high above on the ceiling, and there are heavy curtains draped in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, all closed as the sun is beginning to set already. A deep red-orange hue still peeks through, casting long shadows around the ballroom. Every table already has name cards on plates and glasses of water.

Everyone has to adopt a more “fancy” attitude, which is a little tough, since they’re all battle-hardened grunts.

There’s also a lot of people, both civilians and Marines. Renji sees Rukia, Dr. Unohana, and Ise seated at one of the VIP tables, and Orihime is seated next to Ise. Also at other VIP tables are Colonel Kyoraku, Colonel Ukitake, Major Tousen, Lieutenant Sasakibe, and Captain Okikiba Genshiro.

General Kuchiki, looking sharp and sophisticated in his burgundy dress uniform, has Renji’s unit stand in formation so he can honour them for their work on LV-352. Then he heads to the podium to give his speech.

Renji just remains stoic like he’s been trained to, and silently listens to General Kuchiki’s speech. First, the General thanks everyone for attending tonight’s banquet, and then starts out by introducing their unit.

As General Kuchiki gives a brief summary of their mission to LV-352, Renji feels his thoughts being yanked back into the depths of his head. For a moment, he’s back at the facility on LV-352, hearing the aliens hissing as they crawl through the vents, smelling the chill of the cold air as the aliens’ screeching draws closer--

Renji inhales sharply, taking a deep breath. _No. Don’t do this. You’re stronger than this. You’re not there anymore,_ he reminds himself.

“To honour the entire unit’s collective bravery on that mission, I am proud to present them with the Divine Chrysanthemum,” General Kuchiki says.

The Divine Chrysanthemum ribbon is a small, deep purple ribbon with three gold chrysanthemum patterns upon it, and it will be presented to each Marine after the speech is over.

After some applause, General Kuchiki moves on, the tiniest of smiles on his face as he continues speaking. “And tonight, we will present our highest decoration to a Marine who displayed exceptional bravery and valour at the risk of his own life above and beyond the call of duty on LV-352,” he says.

Renji’s heart skips a beat.

“It is said that true bravery is doing without witnesses what you would do if the whole world were watching,” General Kuchiki continues. “The man we recognize tonight with the Order of the Noble Sakura found courage not in search of recognition, but through instinct. He will tell you, very humbly, that he was merely doing his job. But the truth is, because of his courage, he saved the lives of not just two civilians, but also his entire unit, and possibly, the lives of even more innocent people.”

He glances at Renji. “Corporal Abarai, please come forth,” he says.

Renji steps up to General Kuchiki, his heart pounding against his chest as the General turns to face him. A younger soldier also approaches him, holding a small box, and there’s no doubt. Inside that box is Renji’s medal.

“Corporal Abarai Renji, I’ve read every single report with your name on it, and for a while, all I had was a name, not a face. And now, I have a face to put to that name. I came to your base expecting you to learn something, and I’ll assume you did. But I, too, learned something.”

General Kuchiki doesn’t lose eye contact with him, and his eyes soften.

“Abarai, you’ve seen horrors most Marines will never see,” he begins. “All I knew was what I read on paper. I’ve known people who have left the Gotei because they became traumatized, and they didn’t want anything to do with us because they didn’t want to be reminded of it. You faced against your worst nightmares to protect your comrades, and you helped them despite your trauma. That’s not just dedication and loyalty, that’s true bravery.”

Everyone’s eyes are on Renji, and for once, his heart is beating faster out of joy and not fear.

“Therefore, it is an honour and a privilege for me to present you-” General Kuchiki turns to the soldier holding the box, who opens it up to show a rose-gold sakura flower surrounded by a rose-gold circle behind it, attached to a cobalt-blue ribbon, “-the Gotei Colonial Marine Corps Order of the Noble Sakura.”

He then gestures for Renji to lower his head so he can put the medal around his neck. “You are also the first Marine I’ve ever met to not want this medal. Trust me, you’ve earned this, Corporal.”

Renji takes a breath, unable to decipher the feelings swirling inside of him. When he speaks, his voice is practically breathless. “Thank you so much, sir.” He sounds choked up. Great.

General Kuchiki shakes his hand, smiling proudly. “Keep up the good work.”

As he’s met with applause, Renji smiles sincerely. He feels like all the turbulent emotions within him are going to burst out of him, and he’s afraid that General Kuchiki can see his heart pounding through his coat.

All he can do is stay quiet until it’s all over, and not let anyone know how hard this is hitting him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, Renji finally receives the medal that he deserves.
> 
> My main inspiration for the Gotei dress uniforms is the U.S. Marine Corps dress blues. But seriously, imagine Renji in both a service and a dress uniform. Doesn't it sound wonderful?
> 
> Let me know how I did :) Have a good one!


	7. Not so Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji meets up with Ise and Orihime, and then receives an offer from General Kuchiki that he can't refuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are: the last chapter of "White Nights"! This was such a tough story to write, despite being seven chapters long, but we've finally made it.
> 
> I made some minor edits to the last chapter, such as having Rukia bring three guests with her to the party instead of two.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

After General Kuchiki wraps up his speech, they’re allowed to break formation. Soft music starts playing from the speakers and everyone leaves to go mingle. Renji still feels somewhat overwhelmed, but he just pours himself a glass of water from the beverage table and takes slow sips from his glass.

The food table is really impressive. Someone has gone to great lengths to make sure everyone has plenty to eat; there’s a variety of Western cuisine and Japanese cuisine laid out, and the dessert bar is also pretty well done.

Just as he sets his glass down at his table, he feels someone throw their arms around him from behind in a tight hug. Renji is surprised momentarily but he quickly smiles when he hears a familiar voice.

“So good to see you again, Abarai-kun! Congratulations on your medal!” It’s Orihime.

Renji smiles as she releases him. “Hey, Orihime.” He turns to face her, only to be taken aback slightly. “Oh, wow. You look really nice.”

Orihime smiles gently as he returns the hug. “Thank you, Abarai-kun. I like your dress uniform! It looks really good!” she says with a giggle.

“Thanks,” Renji chuckles before pulling away.

Orihime looks so different from when they first found her on LV-352. Her hair has been styled up in a braided bun, and her hair pins are on either side of her head as always, though a few strands hang in front of her face that’s adorned with a light amount of makeup. Also in her bun is a pink morning-glory kanzashi. She’s wearing a pink furisode kimono decorated with butterflies and red bellflowers with a pale yellow obi, and right now, Renji can’t help but think that she looks super cute. He also feels happy seeing just how much brighter and cheerful Orihime is now, a sharp contrast to the terrified young woman they’d found at the facility.

As Renji takes a seat at his table, Orihime sits down next to him. “Is anyone else going to be sitting here?” she asks.

“Kira and Hisagi are gonna be sitting here,” Renji says. “But you can sit here if you want.”

Orihime sits down next to him just as Rukia and Ise approach their table with some guests in tow. Upon seeing them, Renji smiles.

Rukia is wearing an icy-blue tulle mermaid gown with a V-neck and white beaded lace appliqué on the fabric. She has a small touch of makeup on her face, a silver necklace around her neck, silver drop earrings, and a silver snowflake barrette on the left side of her hair.

Ise, meanwhile, is wearing a black tulle off-shoulder dress with a ball gown silhouette, cap sleeves, and black lace appliqué on the fabric. Around her neck is a pearl necklace, which she wears with matching earrings, bracelet, and a pearl headband in her free-flowing hair. She also has a light touch of makeup on her face, and looks absolutely stunning tonight.

“Rukia, Ise,” he greets.

“Oh, Renji, I’m so proud of you!” Rukia says happily and throws her arms around Renji in a hug. “You got the Order of the Noble Sakura!”

“I sure did,” Renji says with a light chuckle as he hugs her back.

“Congratulations, Corporal Abarai,” Ise says, smiling at him. “And you look good in your dress uniform.”

Renji grins slightly. “Why, thank you,” he says as Rukia pulls away from him. “I gotta say, you ladies are looking pretty fine tonight too.”

Ise blushes a little bit, just as Kira and Hisagi come to the table to sit down, the both of them holding a plate of food.

More greetings are exchanged when they see Ise and Orihime, before Rukia remembers to introduce her guests.

“Right! Renji, I have three people I’d like you to meet,” Rukia tells him, gesturing to the three young men behind her.

The first man has bright orange hair that brushes past his ears, and is dressed in a tuxedo. The second man is taller and has dark skin with a small goatee on his chin, and he too is dressed in a tuxedo. And the third man is pale with black hair, thin glasses, and is dressed in a white tuxedo.

“Ichigo, Sado, Ishida, this is Abarai Renji, my childhood friend,” Rukia says to the three men. She then turns to Renji. “And Renji, this is Kurosaki Ichigo, the captain of the JCSS _Zangetsu-,”_ she gestures to the man with orange hair, “-Sado Yasutora, the chief engineer,” she gestures to the darker-skinned man, “-and Ishida Uryuu, the navigator.” She gestures to the man in white.

Renji smiles at them. “Nice to meet you.”

Kurosaki bows slightly. “Nice to meet you, Corporal.”

“Congratulations on receiving your medal,” Ishida says.

“Congrats,” Sado adds.

“Thank you,” Renji says. “Now I’d like to introduce you to my two guests.”

He then introduces Rukia to Ise and Orihime, who all exchange pleasantries amongst each other. He also introduces them to Hisagi and Kira before they decide to go and serve themselves some dinner.

Once introductions are out of the way, they slowly start up some conversations about their lives and jobs over dinner.

“So, how do you like working for the Gotei?” Renji asks Ise. “Is it any different?”

“It is, but I like it,” Ise says. “But I’ll admit, it’s a bit weird to have everyone being so… courteous to me, just because Colonel Kyoraku is my uncle.”

“Well, of course! Who wants to piss off the niece of one of the brass?” Hisagi jokes. “I mean, we’ve seen what her uncle is like, right?”

Renji chuckles at that.

“Um, can I ask what your other medals are?” Kurosaki asks Renji.

“Sure,” Renji says. “The first one is an Allegiance Medal, which is given after three years of service. The second one is a Golden Iris, which is given for being injured or killed in any action against an enemy. I got it after taking bullets to the shoulder from insurgents in Latvia. Remember that time?” He asks Hisagi and Kira.

“Well, of course,” Kira says, raising an eyebrow. “And even after you got shot in the shoulder, your first question after waking up was, ‘is everyone okay?’.”

Hisagi chuckles. “Seriously, man.” He shakes his head slightly. “And then Soifon yelled at you for not worrying about your own health. She was like, ‘seriously?! You take God knows how many bullets to your shoulder and the first thing you do is ask about the others?! Worry ‘bout your own damn self first!’.”

“What can I say?” Renji says with a smile. “I care about you guys. And it’s my job to make sure you’re all safe.”

“You really are a hero,” Orihime says with a sweet smile.

For some reason, Renji finds himself blushing at that declaration. “I’m not a hero…” He shyly averts his eyes. “Really. I’m just doing my duty as a Marine.” He blushes even further when Kira and Hisagi start laughing at that.

Then the topic changes to Orihime, who starts sharing her days at nursing school.

“I’ll be starting a new semester in the fall,” Orihime tells them. “It’ll be my last one, and then I’ll have to register to take an exam to become a registered nurse. So I’m just enjoying my last few weeks of summer before the semester starts again.”

“That’s great. You have any other plans after you become a registered nurse?” Rukia asks her.

Orihime nods cheerfully. “Yep! I’d like to become an advanced practice registered nurse, and I’m also planning on taking a Bachelor of Science in Nursing,” she says. “It’ll be good for my career.”

Renji smiles at her. It’s so good to see Orihime so cheerful and happy, especially after all the horrors she’s seen and been through on Hokutan.

The topic then shifts to Kurosaki, Sado, and Ishida’s jobs.

“So, how long have you had your ship for?” Renji asks them.

“Few years now,” Sado says.

“The _Zangetsu_ was a wreck when I bought her,” Kurosaki says, a hint of pride in his voice. “I had to take a lot of contracts to get her into shape, but she pays for herself now.”

Kurosaki also tells the story of how he met his fellow crew members, how they joined his crew aboard his ship, how they met Rukia, and all the times they’ve shipped out together, including their most recent expedition.

At some point, in between their conversations, Renji starts to feel a little bit overwhelmed, so he gets up. “Excuse me,” he says quietly. “I just need to step out.”

“Go ahead,” Rukia says, giving him a look of concern. “You okay, Renji?”

“I’m fine, I just need a breather,” he reassures her. “You guys can keep going.”

On his way, Renji gets stopped by a couple of people who congratulate him on his medal, including some of the officers. Renji just smiles and expresses his gratitude while being humble; it’s the usual spiel of “I’m just doing my duty, there’s no need to thank me”. He also gets congratulated by Dr. Unohana, which he’s grateful for as well.

Eventually, he steps out of the ballroom and heads outside onto a loggia that’s overlooking the city of Tokyo. It’s not completely dark out, but the moon is up in the sky. Skyscrapers are lighting up and the nightlife is beginning to emerge.

It’s quite a beautiful sight.

Renji just leans against the railing and stares out at the view when he hears the doors behind him open. Glancing over his shoulder, he’s grateful to see Bazz-B.

“Hey, Bazz,” he greets.

“You doing okay?” Bazz-B asks as he approaches him.

“For now, yeah. I just got a little overwhelmed, that’s all.”

There’s a brief moment of silence before Bazz-B speaks again.

“When are we going back to Kamakura?” he asks.

“Tomorrow afternoon,” Renji tells him. “But honestly, I… I want to go home. I haven’t taken leave in almost a year or so. I have a lot of days I can use if I want.” He then gives Bazz-B a grateful smile. “Thanks for coming out here. It really means a lot to me.”

“No problem, man.”

They just stand in silence for a moment before Bazz-B asks if he can go back inside. Renji nods his head, thanking Bazz-B again before he just remains on the loggia, still looking out over the city.

He doesn’t know how much time passes before he hears the doors opening again. But when Renji glances over his shoulder, he’s surprised to see General Kuchiki coming outside.

Instantly, he straightens up and turns to face him before saluting. “Good evening, sir,” he says.

General Kuchiki returns the salute. “Good evening, Corporal,” he says. “I hope you don’t mind me joining you. I just need to take a break.”

Renji shakes his head as he lowers his hand. “Not at all, sir.”

“Thank you.” General Kuchiki approaches the railing of the loggia and stares out at the view of the city.

There’s a calm silence between the two of them for a moment. Then, General Kuchiki breaks the silence by speaking.

“You should know, Abarai,” he begins, “I meant every word I said when presenting the medal to you.”

Renji’s eyes widen slightly. “You did?”

General Kuchiki nods. “Yes,” he says. “I do not know just what it is you went through on LV-352, or what you went through four years ago on Iwashiro, but you’ve come a long way from when I first saw you after Rukia called me.”

Again, Renji is surprised. “You really think so, sir?” he asks.

“Of course.” General Kuchiki glances at him. “Rukia told me everything when she called me for help, and I saw what you looked like as well. She told me you were depressed, blaming yourself constantly, you weren’t even taking care of your basic needs beyond a shower… and I do believe she also told me that you’d had too much to drink the previous night, which was why she was calling me.”

That is true. Renji had been doing all those things four years ago, especially the night when he got plastered. That night, he’d been grieving and hurting so badly from not just Iwashiro but also the bittersweet memories of his broken unit, that he had gone out, bought several cans of beer from the convenience store, and got blind drunk on the roof of his apartment building. He’d then staggered back to his apartment in a fury, and just drunkenly ranted at a stunned Rukia about how Iwashiro was all his fault, how he was worthless as a Marine, and even unleashed some pent-up rage about how dysfunctional and broken his previous unit was.

Renji feels embarrassed just thinking about it. “I’m… I’m so sorry, sir,” he apologizes. “I know I handled it very poorly, but I was still hurt and angry and I just didn’t know how to deal with it properly, so I-”

General Kuchiki holds his hand up, and Renji stops talking. “There’s no need to apologize, Corporal.” He glances at Renji, his eyes gentler than usual. “I know how it feels to lose the ones you care about. I, too, went through something similar.”

Now Renji looks at him curiously. “If I may ask, what happened, sir?”

The General’s eyes sadden slightly. “It was back when I was a Major. I lost my entire team of men during a rescue mission on LV-245,” he tells him. “Even to this day, I still have nightmares about the whole ordeal I went through.”

Renji regards him with empathy. “I’m sorry, sir,” he says. He’s curious about this, but he’s not going to ask just yet. It’s not his place to ask.

“Thank you.” General Kuchiki stares out at the horizon momentarily before he continues speaking. “I also didn’t handle the aftermath very well. I was suffering from severe PTSD, I was waking up from horrific nightmares, but I didn’t tell anyone about it out of fear of losing my commission and being seen as weak. In the end, hiding it did me no favours. I also got quite drunk one night, wrecked my home in a drunken rage, and then collapsed in tears afterwards. And then I ended up having a serious breakdown one day. It took a while before I was able to see Dr. Unohana, but she helped put me on the path to healing.”

Hearing this piece of information surprises Renji. However, he’s starting to see the General in a different light now. To think that such a dignified, elegant man had once been so vulnerable and broken like Renji had been four years ago.

“Is… Is that why you sent me to Dr. Unohana back then?” Renji asks.

General Kuchiki nods. “You looked so drained of vitality back then,” he remembers. “You looked tormented, exhausted, scared, and haunted, and in that moment, I saw myself in you. I remembered just what I looked like shortly after I lost my team that day, and it almost hurt to look at you. I didn’t want you to suffer like how I did back then.”

Renji can’t help but feel surprised again. So he gives the General nostalgia? He doesn’t know whether to be flattered or disbelieving.

“Are you a career soldier, Abarai?” General Kuchiki asks.

Renji nods. “I’m a lifer. I even have it traced on the back of my vest,” he says, smiling dryly.

General Kuchiki’s lips twitch slightly and Renji swears he sees the faint hint of a smile on his face.

“That’s good. I’m also a ‘lifer’,” General Kuchiki tells him. “But I did have a moment where I seriously considered giving up on the Corps. When I returned to Earth after losing my entire team, I considered quitting the Marines. But shortly after I started therapy with Dr. Unohana, I realized that if I left the Corps, I’d be letting my own demons win. So I stayed. I will never leave the Corps, no matter what. I’d sooner commit seppuku than let my demons win and quit.”

Renji can’t help but smile a little. “Me too,” he says. “I’m from Inuzuri, and I’m as stubborn as a stray dog. Nothing will make me quit, and I’ll fight through every war, every enemy, and every alien creature to protect my guys. And I won’t go down without a fight.”

Again, Renji catches a hint of a smile on General Kuchiki’s face.

“Good. You have a great amount of talent, Abarai.” General Kuchiki glances at him. “I observed your relationships with the rest of your unit in Kamakura. You’ve clearly formed strong bonds with everyone there, and it pleases me to see how much they look up to you.”

“Yeah. That’s also why I don’t want to quit. I can’t do that to them,” Renji agrees.

“And for that, I have a lot of respect for you,” General Kuchiki says sincerely. “There are a lot of people who wouldn’t push on with PTSD. You’re pushing on, and that’s true bravery in my eyes. It takes courage to stand up against a mental illness, and to keep on going.”

“I… I guess you’re right.”

There’s another moment of comfortable silence between them. And right now, Renji comes to realize just how the General isn’t so different from him.

General Kuchiki may be powerful, he may be from a wealthy background, and he may be so much more lethal in battle than anyone can ever imagine, but in the end, he’s as human as Renji is. He has experienced a great trauma of his own, he has suffered from PTSD, and in the end, he’s come out much stronger than he was before. And honestly, knowing that about him gives Renji hope.

Maybe one day, he can look back on Iwashiro and LV-352 without tensing up or going into a flashback. And knowing that General Kuchiki has such a strong faith in him makes Renji feel a lot better.

“Corporal Abarai.” His thoughts are interrupted when General Kuchiki starts speaking again.

“Yes sir?”

“I would like to make you an offer,” General Kuchiki says seriously. “You’ve made a good career for yourself here, and I can see that you still have a lot of potential. I want to help you achieve that potential, Abarai. There’s a training facility in Okinawa, and I would like to personally train you there for three weeks. You do not have to feel forced to accept, but this is something I am more than willing to do. How does it sound?”

Renji is stunned for a moment. Is General Kuchiki actually offering to personally train him?

This opportunity is definitely too good to pass up, and Renji knows it. He wants to accept this offer, but will Zaraki allow him to go?

“We will talk to Sergeant Zaraki about it as well, if that is your main concern,” General Kuchiki reassures him, as if reading his mind.

Renji nods. “I’m in,” he says, smiling slightly. As if he’ll ever pass up on this opportunity.

General Kuchiki looks pleased at Renji’s answer. “I look forward to training with you, Corporal,” he says.

Renji smiles, and for once, he finds himself feeling excited in a way he hasn't felt in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that "White Nights" comes to an end. The next story in this series will be "Crimson Demons", where Renji goes to Okinawa for three weeks of training with General Kuchiki, only for their training to be interrupted when they get entangled in a potential conspiracy regarding Weyland-Yutani, mercenaries, mysterious bioweapons, and demons of the past. So I hope you look forward to it~
> 
> But in regards of writing it, I'll be starting my pre-internship pretty soon, so I won't be able to update as frequently as before. I do hope to write as much as I can, though, so please be patient with me.
> 
> Let me know how I did :) Have a good one!


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